Thursday, February 19, 2009

Where's the numbness?

I am very confused about life. I long to be a stay at home mom, but I also know that I am very lucky to have a stable, good paying job. I have more earning potential than my husband at this point, and it would be very difficult for him to find a job that could support us on one income. We have so much, yet I yearn for something different. Would me being home make us happier? Would my children fall apart less? Would we eat better? Would the house be less of a mess? Life would be different. But that does not mean that what we have now is not a good thing. Maybe talking though this will help me? I'm sure it will be a reoccurring theme here since it is one of my major stumbling blocks these days.

We have a good income and can buy everything we need and many things we want. We are able to live relatively close to my parents and see them every few weeks. Our children have their father home full time with them. They are loved and cared for and nursed and fed in the best way that we can manage. We have very little debt. We live in a beautiful and scenic part of the country that is safe and relatively clean. So, why on earth do I want to turn our world upside down so that I can be the one home? It seems so selfish, but I just can't move beyond this strong feeling that I need to be home. I try to embrace what we have and focus on the richness of our life, and I do okay for a few days. And then one day I go crazy wanting to be home. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. Drive and cry. Drive and scream. Panic attacks. Feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe this is just my personal instability and being home would not solve that? Would I be happier if I was home? Would I be more stable? Or is this just a combination of me and lack of sleep?

I am in a phase now where I feel that I have to just accept that it is better for everyone if I continue to work and my husband continues to be the parent at home. But I keep wishing for a miracle - a good job that would make him excited to work again and would allow me to be home with my dear children. But let's not go down that thought road...lets think about how to make this work. I need to move beyond my own personal emotional desire to be home and focus on making life happier for us. I need to find the numbness. The numbness that lets me go to work every morning and work all day without crying or being angry that I cannot be home. The numbness that blocks the jealousy that I am not the one meeting my children's every need (as unglamorous as that may be). But not so numb that I am lost in the cloud of numbness. I have not found that happy place yet where I can embrace every aspect of our life. I try to put on a happy face for my family, but even my three year old knows that "mama sad. mama have to go to work." I talk to my son about why I have to go to work. I don't want him to think that I leave him every day because I want to. Maybe this is the wrong approach? I tell him that I would rather be home with him but that I have to go to work to make money so that we can buy things that we need and things that we want. He seems to grasp this concept pretty well. Nearly every day in the morning he says "mama stay long long time today". And I have to tell him that "no, I have to go to work today". Sometimes he says "mama go to work to make money so we can buy food and toys". It makes me so sad, but at the same time at least he knows why I go away.

I'm not sure I made any progress this evening. But I'm not crying. I only have a lump in my throat, and I'm not crying.

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