peace

I feel freer. More peaceful. I still have a long way to go, but I feel that I am on the right track. A dear friend helped me yesterday (more about that later hopefully), but I feel that change is in the air. Last evening I went home to my family and it was relatively warm so we stayed outside until dark. Then after the kids were in bed my husband and I stayed up talking until after midnight. I'm exhausted today, but good things are moving.

happy for warmer weather!

writing and moving

I've been in a writing mood lately. I've composed a number of posts, stories, email, etc, but sadly, they are usually composed while driving, rocking baby to sleep, etc - not when I am actually at a computer. And by the time I get to a computer they are lost and I have other more pressing things that must be done. I may not be posting, but I'm thinking about you blog.

We're moving to a new office. What chaos! The move is this weekend and the chaos started today. We do hope the new places is happier. Less dull. Nicer. Less drafty. Kind of exciting. I hope to instantly become more motivated and happier. That's probably too much to ask, but I'll at least try for a new start on my attitude. Maybe the change of scenery will make that easier. Hold me to it...

(the last couple lousy webcam picts in the old place)

Imagination run wild

(recent adventures as a fireman - note doll in sling under fire coat)

Right now playing with D basically means doing whatever he wants in his current make believe world. Heaven forbid you walk through a wall in his imaginary train car that you happen to be standing in. And if you don't want to wear a trash can as a birthday hat be prepared to hear about it. What fun a spirited 3-year old is! Oh, and there are evidently boobs on the ceiling of his bedroom. We had to get up from the dinner table the other day to go look at the boob on the ceiling. Then it fell down and he caught it and carried it off to give to Mr. McFeely (from Mr. Rogers - Speedy Delivery!) who was evidently in our hallway. Mr. McFeely was a large part of our evening and D cried when Mr. McFeely couldn't tuck him in to bed that night. There were boobs on the ceiling the next night too. He told grandma that they had milk in them, and he gets so very excited when one appears on his ceiling. It's all we can do to take him seriously and not break down laughing.

Yesterday my husband was quite exasperated when I got home. He said that D had not been D all day - he was always someone else. That made for hard going for daddy. I came home to quite a set-up in the living room. D was talking faster than his brain and mouth could work together, but the general idea was there he has a motorcycle, oh wait, it's a race car, no, a motorcycle again, well, maybe it doesn't matter if I understand what it is at this moment because it will change as necessary (oh, and by the way, the item of interest was an upside down child sized chair in a former life). The vehicle of the moment was pulling a trailer (or so I was told) which contained a variety of objects that at one time had been ordinary household objects but now had larger purposes. This morning while I was still trying to get out of bed I was told very energetically something about a birthday cake, birthday hats, presents, etc in the living room. The trailer behind the race car/motorcycle was pulling birthday hats (trash cans - they are new and clean by the way) cake and presents (wooden puzzle covered with train cars). It's amazing that I was only 20 minutes late to work this morning!

At a better place.

We have been talking and thinking a lot lately, and I am currently pretty settled with the idea of me working full time and my husband being home. We both recognize that it is not ideal (it helps me that my husband recognizes this, too), but we really do have a lot of "pluses" with the current arrangement. So for now we are focusing on trying to make this work better for us. We'll try to improve what we have instead of reworking the whole thing. I'm okay with this. At least I think I am. Ask me on Friday after a week or work and make sure I still feel that way. Well, maybe don't ask on Friday...those tend to be my breakdown days.

So, what can we do to make a good things better? The number one thing is a change of attitude. I Must focus on the good. I must. There are some relatively simple things that we are doing that are making a huge difference to me: 1) my husband is cooking nearly every weeknight meal so that I can have more time with the kids, 2) I'm trying to get one on one time with each of the kids most weekends, 3) I'm basically worthless with housework and focus on the kids in the time that I do get at home. The result is that my husband has to do more cooking and cleaning, but I'm feeling a tad bit more balanced. I miss cooking (I really do love it), but I miss my kids more. So we have simple meals and not as much variety, and the house is extra cluttered, but that's okay.

In the longer term we want to move to a house where we have space for me to work from home part of the time. I have the option to do this some, but it would not work in our current space. So we'll work toward that long term, I will try to focus on being happy, and I'll continue to be worthless around the house. Other ideas on life work balance? I'll keep thinking I'm sure.

He's ready for life.

This morning before I left for work D was in the basement playing with a paper bag full of PVC pipe fittings that he had found. He was putting them together with imaginary glue - swab some on one end, a bit on the other, put together. He told me how he was making pipes for the water in the house and showed me how they would go up the wall, across the ceiling, and into the laundry room. It's amazing how much he picks up about life. I think he knows just about everything he needs to know - and he's only 3.

And D is turning into a little gentlemen (when he feels like it). This morning after I left he said "Awww, SR pretty, me like SR dress."

Where's the numbness?

I am very confused about life. I long to be a stay at home mom, but I also know that I am very lucky to have a stable, good paying job. I have more earning potential than my husband at this point, and it would be very difficult for him to find a job that could support us on one income. We have so much, yet I yearn for something different. Would me being home make us happier? Would my children fall apart less? Would we eat better? Would the house be less of a mess? Life would be different. But that does not mean that what we have now is not a good thing. Maybe talking though this will help me? I'm sure it will be a reoccurring theme here since it is one of my major stumbling blocks these days.

We have a good income and can buy everything we need and many things we want. We are able to live relatively close to my parents and see them every few weeks. Our children have their father home full time with them. They are loved and cared for and nursed and fed in the best way that we can manage. We have very little debt. We live in a beautiful and scenic part of the country that is safe and relatively clean. So, why on earth do I want to turn our world upside down so that I can be the one home? It seems so selfish, but I just can't move beyond this strong feeling that I need to be home. I try to embrace what we have and focus on the richness of our life, and I do okay for a few days. And then one day I go crazy wanting to be home. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. Drive and cry. Drive and scream. Panic attacks. Feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe this is just my personal instability and being home would not solve that? Would I be happier if I was home? Would I be more stable? Or is this just a combination of me and lack of sleep?

I am in a phase now where I feel that I have to just accept that it is better for everyone if I continue to work and my husband continues to be the parent at home. But I keep wishing for a miracle - a good job that would make him excited to work again and would allow me to be home with my dear children. But let's not go down that thought road...lets think about how to make this work. I need to move beyond my own personal emotional desire to be home and focus on making life happier for us. I need to find the numbness. The numbness that lets me go to work every morning and work all day without crying or being angry that I cannot be home. The numbness that blocks the jealousy that I am not the one meeting my children's every need (as unglamorous as that may be). But not so numb that I am lost in the cloud of numbness. I have not found that happy place yet where I can embrace every aspect of our life. I try to put on a happy face for my family, but even my three year old knows that "mama sad. mama have to go to work." I talk to my son about why I have to go to work. I don't want him to think that I leave him every day because I want to. Maybe this is the wrong approach? I tell him that I would rather be home with him but that I have to go to work to make money so that we can buy things that we need and things that we want. He seems to grasp this concept pretty well. Nearly every day in the morning he says "mama stay long long time today". And I have to tell him that "no, I have to go to work today". Sometimes he says "mama go to work to make money so we can buy food and toys". It makes me so sad, but at the same time at least he knows why I go away.

I'm not sure I made any progress this evening. But I'm not crying. I only have a lump in my throat, and I'm not crying.

late blooming, blooming fast

My amaryllis bulbs are all getting a late start this year. I wanted to get a few fresh ones that I knew would bloom, but I missed them in the stores. But in the last few weeks all my old bulbs have started to show signs of life again. I am excited to see what colorful surprises await. I have red, pink, white, and striped. Single and double.

Baby button is asleep, swaddled in my arms. She is beautiful and I love watching her bloom, too. Today she spent several minutes sitting up playing with toys without toppling over. She changes as fast as the amaryllis stalks grow.

Good evenings after work

When I get home from work our son (D or snap), pretends that he doesn't care that I'm home - even though a moment before he was eagerly awaiting my arrival. He is often in the living room or the basement playroom being busy. Our daughter (SR, also called button) is usually riding in her father's arms as he gets dinner started. Button gives me a full body smile (that grin and wiggle that makes it all worth it). After removing my coat and shoes and washing my hands, I take the smiling wiggle monster and descend into snap's domain. He jabbers at me with his mind far out racing his speech and I try to get the gist of the current adventure. After a few minutes it's time to change out of work clothes and give button a snack before dinner.

Last evening button nursed a bit and then snap wanted his boob. Doppler (i.e., my husband) was cooking dinner, so I propped button up in the corner of the love seat and put snap on my lap. Button saw a great opportunity to grab. Grab and taste. That's her game. But the grab was for snap's hair. At first this was funny, but it interfered with snap's nursing when button tried to put pull the hair to her mouth! But sister love trumps anger and pain so snap merely got up to go get a hat. If only he was that patient with me.

About those apple cores

I hate to throw food in the trash. Even apple cores and banana peels. So when I have food scraps at work I take them home to the compost. Sometimes the apple cores don't make it home every day and collect in a tea cup on my desk, becoming dried apple cores. I currently am observing four days of drying on my desk. Please don't think I'm really gross for not cleaning up my desk and trowing out my garbage - apple cores really do dry quite nicely in the dry winter indoor air of our office. The apple cores will go home tonight! My poor husband never knows what he'll find when he opens my lunch dishes. Luckily we've switched to all clear glass bowls so at least he can peek and see if any stinky surprised await (banana peels don't dry quite as nicely as apple cores).

To Blog or Not to Blog

I've been struggling with whether or not to start (another) blog for a while. I finally decided to give it another shot. I want a place where I can express the me that so often I keep bundled inside. We have another blog to keep family and friends updated about our children, but I purposely keep that rather dry and non-contraversial. So "Mama's Apple Cores" will be a place where I can be completely open about the fact that I tandem nurse, co-sleep, etc. We are firmly AP (Attachment Parenting) in our parenting (at least we try our best to be), and we often find if hard to connect with others in the real world where we live. For the last three years I have depneded heavily on the support and guidance of online AP and breastfeeding communities, and I hope that something I say will ring a bell for someone else in a similar situation.