level

I haven't felt very level headed lately. I'm guessing it's lack of sleep, confusion about life, and overwhelmed by the world. I admire people who seem level headed most of the time, people like my sister-in-law who seems to have been on a very straight path, and phdinparenting who seem to have the life-work balance much more figured out than I do. I am in awe of the people like my college roommate or Pioneer Woman who seem to be able to accomplish more in a day than I can in a week. I am also a little envious of the people who seem to be happy with anything and everything. Maybe the key word here is "seem". Are they really all that cool and collected and organized and great? I'm sure some of them are. But maybe others just know better than I do how to put up a front that says "I'm A-okay".

Reading Raising Your Spirited Child to help understand our son was also eye opening for me. It made me realise that both my husband and I are also spirited. So I guess it's quite expected that our children don't fall into the laid-back easy-going category. We have come a long way in embracing our son's spiritedness, and I think it is a time for me to once again try to embrace my own spiritedness and the things that come along with it. I'm one of those spirited people who notices and is sensitive to little things that don't bother a lot of people. And sometimes those little things drive me nuts. I tend to let things build up and then I burst open and all the little of things that have been gathering inside me spill out. That happened a bit yesterday - a small tear in my outer shell caused a large spill of emotion concerning little things that had built up. But now the pressure is relieved and I'm better for a while.

This spiritedness also makes me a rather difficult person. I'm not an easy employee. I'm not a low-needs wife. I never want to fit in the box that someone else draws. I'll purposefully draw outside the box, just to be different. Not because I'm trying to be difficult, but I just don't feel like the box was meant for me, and I'm not gonna play in the box if I don't want to. I'll draw my own box (or triangle, or circle, or irregular shape) thank you very much. But then I'll over analyze what I just drew, and probably not be happy with it, and complain until I get a new piece of paper to draw another shape. Oh wait, am I talking about my 3-year old or myself? I didn't think the poor boy was even gonna start drawing because he was too stressed out by it.

One of my big questions of late is "is there a perfect shape for me somewhere, on the perfect paper, drawn with the perfect media, and of the perfect size and color"? Or am I just always going to be slightly unhappy with what I have? Should I just suck it up and deal, or should I try to find the perfect space? Should I strive for perfection or learn to live with imperfection? Can I become more laid back about things or should I embrace what I am. I think the answer is both. I can't change who I am, and the fact is that I am (negative tone here) spirited, sensitive, intense, and perceptive, but I am also (positive tone here) perceptive, energetic (when not exhausted from lack of sleep), and persistent. I need to find a way to embrace what I am and work with it. I don't think I will ever "not notice" the detail, and I'm not sure I can even not be bothered by it. But I do need to find a way to look beyond the little things that drive me nuts and work for a better big picture. A better life, lifestyle, a happier home life, a more supportive home for parents and children, a better life-work balance. These are all things that we can make a little progress on. And the first step is adjusting my attitude. While it's okay to be bothered by things I need to find a way to constructively deal with it in a way that doesn't drag down my family. Anyone else want to join me on my quest for a happier tomorrow?