Monday, June 1, 2009

one of those days

Today is one of those days where I want so badly to be a stay-at-home mom. I know that it is not possible, but I still dream that somehow it could happen. Every day I leave the most important things in my life. Every day I miss the little joys. Every day I am sad and feel an emptiness. Every day I am homesick.

I keep trying to get past this. To move on and accept and be thankful for what we do have. But I always end up right back here, with a lump in my throat.

I am thankful. Really I am. I am so thankful that my husband can be home - and is willing to be home - and is good at it. It is not an easy job. I am thankful that he gets to see all the little things I miss. I am thankful that I have a relatively flexible job without travel and usually not long hours. I am thankful that I have my own office and can pump milk for my baby without major inconvenience. I am thankful that I have a happy marriage and two wonderful kids. I am thankful for smiles and hugs. But darn it, it's just not easy to be away from my kids. I feel like I missed the most important calling in my life and now I will never get a second chance. I feel like I put my priorities in the wrong order before I had children and now I have to live with it forever.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's one of those days.


  1. you are not alone with this feeling.
    i sit here at my desk now tearing up thinking how i am missing out on things in my daughters life because i am here.
    i can only make the time we DO share super special and hope she knows i am doing everything i can for her!
    (hugs) to you mama!

  2. *hugs* to you, too. Hang in there mama.