I'm home.

I've been thinking about blogging again for a while now. So much has changed in the last few months. I tear up just thinking about it. I'm home now. That's right, I'm home with my crazy, wild, cranky, laughing, jumping, screaming, clinging, howling, sunglasses wearing, nursing, cackling, throwing, biting, ear twisting, drawing, loving, beautiful children. It feels right. It is good. I miss the mountains. I miss my parents. Fire Boy misses the mountains. He misses grandma and grandpa. Wind Girl is talking. She is peeing on the potty in exchange for chocolate chips. Wandering Dad's boss told him that he was "awesome", and I'm finding good people and friends here. We are good. We are better.

Wordless Wednesday: Ecstatic Children

Dolls and Doll Hair

My mom made dolls for the kids, and I added hair. The kids love them!

Bill, pre-hair

Bill with hair (I used wool yarn for this hair)

Small Doll for Wind Girl

pre-hair

small doll with hair (I used cotton yarn for this hair. It is very soft, but I don't think It will hold up as well at the wool yarn on Bill.)

We are leaving her hair braided for now since it's easier for Wind Girl at this age. Now all she needs is a name.



My mom also made a larger doll for Wind Girl (same size as Bill), but that'll be another post.

The larger dolls are from a kit from Joy's Dolls. We bought extra doll making supplies so we can make more as needed. :)
The smaller doll was made using the Snuggles doll pattern from Dancing Rain Dolls. It's the perfect size for a toddler.

Wordless Wednesday: When I get home from work

Valentines for the kids

Just finished these pillows, inspired by Soule Mama's Handmade Home. Got the rocks at Ten Thousand Villages today.

Bedtime Breathing

(sorting lentils with Fire Boy, no idea why I chose this picture)

This week each evening as I lie in bed beside my son before drifting off to sleep I breathe and say this in my head:

Thank you universe for helping me get through the day.
Please help me have

• the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to get through tomorrow
• the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what Fire Boy needs
• the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what Wild Girl needs
• the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what Wandering Dad needs
• the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what my family needs
• the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what I need
• the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be me

Thank you universe!

Thankful

Today I am thankful for lots of things:

• the beauty of sunshine on show
• neighbors with big tractors and snow blowers
• the brightness of our house when there is sunshine on snow - no need for lights
• animal footprints in the snow
• towels that get washed, dried, folded, and put away without my intervention (Thank you dear husband!)
• sweatshirts rediscovered after years in the basement
• little girls in purple pajamas
• little boys with clean hair
• fresh bread
• dishwashers
• friends who keep me me going
• friends who give me knowledge
• the universe

power

I hope that my last post didn't sound too dismal. Well, probably it did. This morning I want to add that in many areas of my life I am very happy. I have a wonderful husband, two lovely children, and a very rich life in general. It's just that some potions of my life are not so wonderful and need lots of work. I have internal work to do which I am struggling to understand. I am beginning to grasp what I have the power to do and how I can change those portions of my life. Knowing That I have the power to make change is good.

my voice

My voice is missing. I try to speak, but it's a whisper. The louder I try to talk the quieter my voice comes out. This is frustrating. Maddening. But eventually I stop trying. Or give up. Or shrivel inside. Or boil inside. Or loose confidence that what I have to say is worth saying. Or that I can speak. Or that I should speak. But, thankfully, there are those I can still communicate with. Those who understand. Those who say that I should speak, that what I have to say is worth speaking. That I can speak. That I need to go and find that voice and put it firmly back inside my body and my head and move forward. Move on.

I have had tonsillitis for most of the last, what's it been, five or six weeks? Something like that. I've been sickish for ages. Low grade fever. Nasty tonsils. Ticklish cough. Not able to deal with things. And several times literally without a voice. We all used sign language, but I realized how hard it must be rely solely on sign language with your children. It's very hard to get the attention of a busy 17 month old and 4 year old without your voice. I've been to the the doctor twice and finished my second round of antibiotics a few days ago. I thought that I was all better, and that the ticking in my throat was surely something else, but this morning, sure enough, my tonsils are speaking up again.

So next week I will go back to the doctor, and he will give me antibiotics again. And all will eventually be well if I pop those nasty little pills and then repopulate the good things they exterminate. If only finding my Real voice was that easy. My voice that lets me out of myself. My voice that....that....I'm struggling for words to describe what I mean. My voice that is ME.

So much of ME is suppressed. For one reason or another so many of my dreams and desires and ideas and thoughts are put in a back room with the firmly door closed. I guess some of that is necessary in order to be a functional wage earning adult and parent, but too much of that practice is not healthy for mind or body. THINGS start to crawl out from under the door. Nasty smelly things. Creepy crawly things. Things that shouldn't be part of me. Things that I don't want to be part of me. Things I don't want associated with me. Sometimes the door slips open, usually when it has been opened to throw something else in, and all sorts of things tumble out and overwhelm the unsuspecting outside the door. This happens to me not infrequently, and my dear friends and family wipe me off and set me back up again.

There have been times in my life where I just threw open the door and cleaned out that back room. It's not necessarily easy or fun, but once it is done and I have found the important things once again and thrown out all the decayed or rotten things it has been easy to move forward. Sometimes on a completely different path. I am trying to get the courage to tackle that back room again. It is time for me to find the important things, dust them off, and bring them back out into the light. But how? Those dreams and thoughts and ideas are a bit light sensitive after being locked in a back room for years. My voice is scratchy from not talking and not being heard. Are those avenues of my brain grown over? How has my life changed and what is still relevant?

And then there is the balancing act. How do I clean out the back room while still maintaining the things that must be maintained? I can't magically and immediately be in a different situation where I can speak and my voice will be heard. Where I have constructive things to say and where my words are words from which action flows. Where I matter - as a person, as a thinker, as a doer, as me. Where I can Be Me. And Me is of value.

I'm trying to start small. Recognize that I'm worth hearing. Admit that I can be heard. Acknowledge that it's important for me to speak. That I must find a way. And I will. I will be Me. I will.

Gift Doll Slings

I have really been enjoying sewing a bit lately. It's just a few minutes here and there, but it uses a completely different part of Me than usually gets worked these days.

My friend woowoo mama made her kids lovely dolls, but they needed carriers! So I volunteered to make doll slings for them, and it turned out to be very satisfying to make something for someone else. They aren't perfect, but considering that my only sewing time is either late at night or with a 4 year old helper I've decided to embrace imperfections.

Mailing is nearly as big a project as making, and I'm so proud that I accomplished it in a timely manner - it's the small things in life that can make me feel okay about myself, right? The last minute before leaving for work picture taking session revolved around Fire Boy trying to guard the slings while Wind Girl was trying to dance on them, but I did get a few pictures to share. I didn't even try for pictures modeling the slings - that would have been asking too much!



Hopefully the recipients will enjoy, too!