Mama's Apple Cores

I'm home.

2010-07-23T17:46:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about blogging again for a while now. So much has changed in the last few months. I tear up just thinking about it. I'm home now. That's right, I'm home with my crazy, wild, cranky, laughing, jumping, screaming, clinging, howling, sunglasses wearing, nursing, cackling, throwing, biting, ear twisting, drawing, loving, beautiful children. It feels right. It is good. I miss the mountains. I miss my parents. Fire Boy misses the mountains. He misses grandma and grandpa. Wind Girl is talking. She is peeing on the potty in exchange for chocolate chips. Wandering Dad's boss told him that he was "awesome", and I'm finding good people and friends here. We are good. We are better.

Wordless Wednesday: Ecstatic Children

2010-03-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Dolls and Doll Hair

2010-03-05T08:02:00.000-08:00

My mom made dolls for the kids, and I added hair. The kids love them!

Bill, pre-hair

Bill with hair (I used wool yarn for this hair)

Small Doll for Wind Girl

pre-hair

small doll with hair (I used cotton yarn for this hair. It is very soft, but I don't think It will hold up as well at the wool yarn on Bill.)

We are leaving her hair braided for now since it's easier for Wind Girl at this age. Now all she needs is a name.

My mom also made a larger doll for Wind Girl (same size as Bill), but that'll be another post.

The larger dolls are from a kit from Joy's Dolls. We bought extra doll making supplies so we can make more as needed. :)
The smaller doll was made using the Snuggles doll pattern from Dancing Rain Dolls. It's the perfect size for a toddler.

Wordless Wednesday: When I get home from work

2010-02-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

Valentines for the kids

2010-02-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

Just finished these pillows, inspired by Soule Mama's Handmade Home. Got the rocks at Ten Thousand Villages today.

Bedtime Breathing

2010-02-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

(sorting lentils with Fire Boy, no idea why I chose this picture)

This week each evening as I lie in bed beside my son before drifting off to sleep I breathe and say this in my head:

Thank you universe for helping me get through the day.
Please help me have

the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to get through tomorrow
the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what Fire Boy needs
the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what Wild Girl needs
the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what Wandering Dad needs
the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what my family needs
the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be what I need
the Strength, the Power, and the Voice to be me

Thank you universe!

Thankful

2010-02-07T10:57:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for lots of things:

the beauty of sunshine on show
neighbors with big tractors and snow blowers
the brightness of our house when there is sunshine on snow - no need for lights
animal footprints in the snow
towels that get washed, dried, folded, and put away without my intervention (Thank you dear husband!)
sweatshirts rediscovered after years in the basement
little girls in purple pajamas
little boys with clean hair
fresh bread
dishwashers
friends who keep me me going
friends who give me knowledge
the universe

power

2010-02-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

I hope that my last post didn't sound too dismal. Well, probably it did. This morning I want to add that in many areas of my life I am very happy. I have a wonderful husband, two lovely children, and a very rich life in general. It's just that some potions of my life are not so wonderful and need lots of work. I have internal work to do which I am struggling to understand. I am beginning to grasp what I have the power to do and how I can change those portions of my life. Knowing That I have the power to make change is good.

my voice

2010-02-06T18:47:00.001-08:00

My voice is missing. I try to speak, but it's a whisper. The louder I try to talk the quieter my voice comes out. This is frustrating. Maddening. But eventually I stop trying. Or give up. Or shrivel inside. Or boil inside. Or loose confidence that what I have to say is worth saying. Or that I can speak. Or that I should speak. But, thankfully, there are those I can still communicate with. Those who understand. Those who say that I should speak, that what I have to say is worth speaking. That I can speak. That I need to go and find that voice and put it firmly back inside my body and my head and move forward. Move on.

I have had tonsillitis for most of the last, what's it been, five or six weeks? Something like that. I've been sickish for ages. Low grade fever. Nasty tonsils. Ticklish cough. Not able to deal with things. And several times literally without a voice. We all used sign language, but I realized how hard it must be rely solely on sign language with your children. It's very hard to get the attention of a busy 17 month old and 4 year old without your voice. I've been to the the doctor twice and finished my second round of antibiotics a few days ago. I thought that I was all better, and that the ticking in my throat was surely something else, but this morning, sure enough, my tonsils are speaking up again.

So next week I will go back to the doctor, and he will give me antibiotics again. And all will eventually be well if I pop those nasty little pills and then repopulate the good things they exterminate. If only finding my Real voice was that easy. My voice that lets me out of myself. My voice that....that....I'm struggling for words to describe what I mean. My voice that is ME.

So much of ME is suppressed. For one reason or another so many of my dreams and desires and ideas and thoughts are put in a back room with the firmly door closed. I guess some of that is necessary in order to be a functional wage earning adult and parent, but too much of that practice is not healthy for mind or body. THINGS start to crawl out from under the door. Nasty smelly things. Creepy crawly things. Things that shouldn't be part of me. Things that I don't want to be part of me. Things I don't want associated with me. Sometimes the door slips open, usually when it has been opened to throw something else in, and all sorts of things tumble out and overwhelm the unsuspecting outside the door. This happens to me not infrequently, and my dear friends and family wipe me off and set me back up again.

There have been times in my life where I just threw open the door and cleaned out that back room. It's not necessarily easy or fun, but once it is done and I have found the important things once again and thrown out all the decayed or rotten things it has been easy to move forward. Sometimes on a completely different path. I am trying to get the courage to tackle that back room again. It is time for me to find the important things, dust them off, and bring them back out into the light. But how? Those dreams and thoughts and ideas are a bit light sensitive after being locked in a back room for years. My voice is scratchy from not talking and not being heard. Are those avenues of my brain grown over? How has my life changed and what is still relevant?

And then there is the balancing act. How do I clean out the back room while still maintaining the things that must be maintained? I can't magically and immediately be in a different situation where I can speak and my voice will be heard. Where I have constructive things to say and where my words are words from which action flows. Where I matter - as a person, as a thinker, as a doer, as me. Where I can Be Me. And Me is of value.

I'm trying to start small. Recognize that I'm worth hearing. Admit that I can be heard. Acknowledge that it's important for me to speak. That I must find a way. And I will. I will be Me. I will.

Gift Doll Slings

2010-01-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

I have really been enjoying sewing a bit lately. It's just a few minutes here and there, but it uses a completely different part of Me than usually gets worked these days.

My friend woowoo mama made her kids lovely dolls, but they needed carriers! So I volunteered to make doll slings for them, and it turned out to be very satisfying to make something for someone else. They aren't perfect, but considering that my only sewing time is either late at night or with a 4 year old helper I've decided to embrace imperfections.

Mailing is nearly as big a project as making, and I'm so proud that I accomplished it in a timely manner - it's the small things in life that can make me feel okay about myself, right? The last minute before leaving for work picture taking session revolved around Fire Boy trying to guard the slings while Wind Girl was trying to dance on them, but I did get a few pictures to share. I didn't even try for pictures modeling the slings - that would have been asking too much!

Hopefully the recipients will enjoy, too!

Wordless Wednesday: Birdwatching Behind the Curtain

2010-01-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

Delurking Day

2010-01-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

So I know I don't have many readers, but who's actually out there?? It's Delurking Day, so come out and leave me a comment! I'd love to know who you are!!

Oh, and I'm super excited that Annie from PhD in Parenting quoted me yesterday in a guest post on Raising my Boychick. Great post...check it out....

My thoughts are with the people of Haiti today. I wish that I could formulate my feelings eloquently, but I'm not getting there so simple will have to do. I'm sending out many many thoughts to the people in need.

Wordless Wednesday: Smoothie Sharing

2010-01-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

signing "more"

Appreciation of Reality

2010-01-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

midnight moonlight on the snow, by Wandering Dad

It's easy for me to read ideas and theories and decide what our home should be like. What I want for it. How we should behave. How we should clean up. When we should nap. What we should eat. How we should speak. But that's not reality. The reality is at home, where I am not. I can make some of my ideas and dreams into reality, but I cannot magically make all this happen.

So I dream of having a Waldorf-ish style home, with simple mostly natural toys, rhythm to the day, beautiful spaces, appreciation of the natural world around us, positive and supportive environment, so on and so forth. When I look at much of society around us, we are far from the norm....far on the crunchy side. But when I look at the Waldorf blogs and books I feel like we have so so far to go, and it feels somewhat unattainable. Since I am not the primary parent I have only so much control over things at home. And, I am only human. I come home from work exhausted a lot of days, and I only have so much time and energy for change, creativity, and extras beyond the basics of life. In some ways I know this will sounds like a defense of myself for not changing and not being the change I want, but really, I'm not superwoman. I want to come home and have dinner and spend a few minutes with my children not thinking constantly about what I Should be doing to make change in our lives. And evenings are not the best time for "working with" the kids, who are usually clingy and need their mama fix. Some days I find energy for a little extra, a little push forward, or a little inner thought, but many days I do not.

In the past month I have been lucky enough to have a lot of extra time at home for holidays and snow days. It was really wonderful to have the additional time with my family, and it was also a good reality check. I have not had that much time at home since maternity leave over a year ago. And then we had a new baby and all that. Now we are shifting our parenting from babies to toddlers and preschoolers, and we are thinking about how we want to parent and what we want our home to be like. I do a lot of reading (although not as much as I would like), I discuss ideas with friends, and I think about what would be nice and fun and what might work for our family. And I take tidbits home to my husband, the stay-at-home parent in our household. Although in general we agree on parenting, we do have slight differences which come in part from our different backgrounds. We have different personalities and different levels of interest in personal development and internal work. And we have different levels of involvement in the realities of raising two young children.

This recent extra time at home gave me more of an opportunity of be a part of the daily rhythm at home, and to observe and appreciate what goes on there. I found renewed respect for what my husband does. I have deep and great appreciation for him and his work. He not only does nearly all the housework (including laundry, dishes, and toilets!), he cares wonderfully for our two young children, makes homemade meals nearly every weekday, uses cloth wipes on our baby's bum, and wears silk long johns (just had to throw that one in because I like it), but he also does his own tractor repair, much of our car work, does snow removal, keeps track of finances, pays the bills, mows the yard, helps garden, helps my parents cut firewood, does the grocery shopping, does our food co-op orders, helps our son with his speech, takes the kids on fun outings, plays the guitar, stays more up to date than I do on current events and technology, and is supportive of me (and I'm not exactly easy or laid back). At the same time Wandering Dad is finding himself. Trying to figure out who he is and who he wants to be and how he wants to parent and develop as a person. Wow!

I also noted that we have made some big changes at home. The change has been gradual, and it is a work in progress, but we are moving toward that seemingly unattainable goal of a simple, peaceful, beautiful home. Working with what we have and who we have, we have come a long way. And one thing that Wandering Dad and I agree on is that although we are not where we want to be, we at least have a mostly shared dream. I'm sure that my visions of our future are slightly more dreamy than my husband's, but at least we are headed in the same direction. His reality has many more little bums to wipe, many more little hands to wash, and many more little noses to blow. But he wipes and washes and blows with such patience (most of the time) and always with such love. What more can I ask for except slow and steady steps toward our joint dream of peace and beauty?

Wordless Wednesday: After Dinner Music

2010-01-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

Goodby to Pumping

2010-01-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

Today my workday is different. I am not pumping. I am not providing milk for my daughter's bottle tomorrow. It feels strange. I Could pump. I could lift the pump off the floor and up onto my desk and take out my tubing and hook it up and get out my pump parts and express milk into a bottle. But, I'm not. I'm not going to do it.

I never really thought about "hanging up the horns" as being a big event, but it is. For the last four years I have either been pumping, pregnant, or both. When I finished graduate school and started my first "real" job I was pregnant with Fire Boy. After a way too short maternity leave I went back to work and entered the world of pumping mothers. I was rather lost. This contraption was so strange. I was nervous. It felt strange. At times I had trouble letting the milk down. I was stressed over getting enough milk. My baby didn't take bottles well. I had all the worries of a new parent and all the anxieties of going back to work exhausted and juggling my roles as mother and wife and worker and also providing milk for my baby. I was glad to do it, but at the same time it wasn't easy. It seemed like my workday was consumed by drinking, pumping, eating, repeat, repeat, repeat. We had thrush. We had unknowledgeable doctors. We had doctors who tried to get us to stop breastfeeding. Fire Boy had a dairy allergy. I had a lipase issue. I had post-partum depression. I traveled for job interviews. I pumped on planes, in hotels, in airports, in cars, in bathrooms, in closets, in offices, and at home. We moved. I started a new job. And still I pumped. I pumped for Fire Boy until he was two years old and I was pregnant with Wind Girl and my milk dried up.

I have pumped for 16 months for Wind Girl, and we (Wandering Dad and I) decided it was a reasonable time for me to stop pumping for her. She is much more interested in food than Fire Boy was at this age, and much less attached to the bottle. So hopefully today she napped easily without a bottle of mama's milk (and if she really wants it there is milk in the freezer that can be thawed for her). In some ways I feel like I am cheating her by not pumping. The milk is here, ready for her, and I'm choosing to let it stay there and not express it for her. But also, I pumped for 16 months! That is a long time. She is a big girl, and doesn't really need the milk during the day now. She can still nurse all she wants when I am at home, and the amount of milk she gets doesn't have to be diminished.

Although there are days when I have Really not wanted to pump, times when I dreaded it, I feel so lucky to have been able to provide for my children in this way. And I think part of me needed to be needed in that way. I needed to provide milk. It was something that only I could do. I couldn't be there with them, but I, and only I, could provide mama's milk for them. It has been good for them, and it has been good for me in a way. I am glad I did it!

During this time as a pumping mother I have learned so much. I have learned about pumps. I have learned about traveling with breastmilk. I have learned to hand express. I about breastmilk storage. About bottles. About nipple confusion. About changing membranes regularly. About hand-free pumping. About pumping while driving. About supply. About oatmeal and Mother's Milk tea. And about the need for support and accurate information! I have also learned about cleaning milk out of computer keyboards, about overflowing bottles, about spilled bottles, and about forgetting to but the bottles on and soaking my pants.

Luckily though this all I have had supportive friends and family and the wonderful community at Kellymom. This support helped get us through our breastfeeding difficulties, and helped me develop into the mother that I am. I needed support in my endeavors, and I needed friends who I was not afraid to talk to about things like nipples, breastpump tubing, and baby poop, and who could help me see that reverse cycling was only a phase. It seems that everything is only a phase. And this phase of my life is over. I am no longer a pumping mama.

Window Stars and Birthday Crowns

2010-01-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

So I have been making time for a bit of crafty creativity. As a friend reminded me, it doesn't take much to make a big difference! I made these two window stars and have have more in the works. They are fun and easy and add a bit of color to our living room. I found online tutorials for the both the large and small stars.

And here are a few more pictures of Fire Boy's birthday crown (inspired by SouleMama's Creative Family).

Birthday Cake

2010-01-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

A few days ago my little boy turned 4. Four! IV. Four years old! Goodness..... He helped to make his birthday cake. We could only find one beater for the mixer - someone ran off with the other evidently. And this is my mom's mixer. We can't find either beater for my mixer. Somewhere there must be a stash of beaters?

And.....I mad a birthday crown for him!!! I did it. I did it. I've been trying to do a bit of crafting in the evenings after the kids are asleep, and it feels good. I got my sewing machine from my mom. It's a lovely machine that she gave to me as a graduation present when I finished graduate school. But I was pregrant with this will man at the time and it took four years before I carved out time to sew. I let Fire Boy pick out the colors for the crown and he surprised me with his picks. I thought about making a fancier crown, but decided to keep it simple, and he was quite satisfied with the result.

green playsilk

2010-01-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

Today our green playsilk was a backpack, a coat, a parachute for Fire Boy, a parachute for a ball (man), a doll, a grassy field, a cloud covering the sun (yellow playsilk), and it also had several less defined roles. I can safely say that Fire Boy's imagination is functioning adequately.

(and clothes are too bothersome for Fire Boy - pants either have baggy knees, touch his feet, are too short, are too loose, or too tight. I just ordered him some tights...)

Thankful for family and beautiful cows today

2009-11-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday: Four Generations of Women's Hands

2009-11-25T10:27:00.000-08:00

thinking back to warm summer evenings

2009-11-24T12:51:00.001-08:00

I have been working on a more serious post about events of the last few weeks, but in the mean time I'll put up something lighter..... It's a cold wet day, and as I was looking back through pictures these caught my eye. I took these on one of our evening walks back in August. The picture quality is poor, but I had a baby on my back and a toddler in the stroller!

I could use a nice warm evening walk about now!

**For some reason my pictures didn't show up the first time, but I think I've fixed the problem now...

------------------------------------------------------------

We headed out each evening with snacks. Carrots, apples, bananas (no bananas for the babe since I don't fancy banana in my hair).

That's our route.

She doesn't allow hair ties to stay in for long...

View from the top of the hill. It's worth the huffing and puffing to get to the top.

Coming back down after mooing at the cattle.

Passing the silage pile. Smells so good.

The stroller sprouts arms.

And Fire Boy spots the hair tie that Wind Girl pulled out on the way up the hill.

I love to look down and see little toes at my sides.

Maybe we should bundle up and try a winter walk if it's not too windy.

Cracked.

2009-11-19T06:54:00.001-08:00

My eyes focus on the rain drops coalescing on the windshield in front of me. I see the blurred brake lights of the car in front of me at the stop light go off. Time to move on. I drive. I have stopped crying. I pass the first turnoff to work. I pass the second. Finally I take the third. I can't just keep driving. I have responsibilities. I have to go to work. I have to earn money. I have to support my family. I feel so unstable today. Am I cracking under everything of the last few weeks? Have I not had enough emotional support? Am I just hormonal? Tired? Frustrated? Probably all of those. And one bad smoothie experience was the final straw.

Wordless Wednesday: frolicking calves

2009-10-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Wandering Dad

2009-10-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Today is Wandering Dad's birthday, and I have been thinking a lot about how much I love and appreciate him. I have known Wandering Dad for one third of his life, and I have seen him transform from college kid to stay-at-home dad. Wandering Dad is a wonderful and supportive husband. He is a dedicated and caring father (also with the added benefits of being supportive of and active in co-sleeping, babywearing, homebirth, and extended/tandem nursing :-) ).

2000

2005

2008

Wandering Dad and I have grown together into who we are now. We have both come a long way, and I am so very proud of my husband. He is more than I ever would have imagined when we met. Thank you for being you, and Happy Birthday!

thoughtful little boy (sometimes)

2009-10-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

Last evening Fire Boy broke a toy. He broke the top off of his wooden toy gas station while I was putting Wind Girl to bed, and then he told me why he broke it off (he didn't like the sign on top). I explained to him that we do not break toys on purpose and that the whole toy garage might need to be put away for a while until he could learn to take better care of it (this is not the first time he has made modifications to the design). His first reaction when we tell him that things need to be put away is to check the severity. Our conversation went something like this...

FB: "Far far away?"
Me: "No, just in the back room for a while until you can play more carefully with it." "
FB: "Oh. Not far far away?"
Me: "No, not really."
FB: "No, I think we should give the garage to a little boy who needs toys."
Me: "You don't want to keep it?"
FB: "No, I think we should take it to a little boy who doesn't have many toys. And my toolbench, too"
Me: "That's very nice, but I think we'll just put the garage away for a few days."
FB: "No, no, I think we should give it away to someone else."
Me: "That's really sweet, dear. That's just like Snip Snap and Snur gave away their brand new yellow sled to the little boy who wanted one and didn't have any money. That's very nice of you, but I think we'll keep the garage and toolbench."
FB: "Okay. Let's draw a picture before we read books."

I guess this comes from the fact that we take outgrown toys to thrift shops and talk to Fire Boy about how we are donating them to children who don't have many toys. Yesterday I was sorting toys and asked if we could pass on one of the things he never uses, and he said "no", but gave me an item that is one of his favorites instead (I did not donate that item...).

Last winter I got warm fuzzies listening to Wandering Dad explain to Fire Boy about the Salvation Army bell ringers. My the end of the season Fire Boy wanted to put change in every bell ringer's bucket. Maybe this year he is ready for a more active roll in giving?

So for now I will focus on Fire Boy's thoughtfulness and generosity instead of the fact that he modified a toy because he didn't like the sign on top.

camera eye of a 3 year old

2009-10-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Last year we bought our son a kids camera, but the picture quality was poor and the flash was worse. So a few weeks ago Wandering Dad hunted out our old digital camera, charged it up, and gave it to Fire Boy. It has been very interesting to see what catches his eye, and below are a few pictures from the first time we downloaded it.

exploring textures

self and family

lots of feet and shoe shots

lots of pictures of random objects

Other interesting pictures included a monarch butterfly chrysalis waiting to hatch in our garage, a measuring spoon, cloth diapers, play room mess (lots of these), daddy changing diapers, and grass.

Next time we find the camera I'll download it again...

fishing in the sky

2009-10-04T18:21:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago Wandering Dad took our son to the open house at the local fire hall, and they came home with a yellow balloon. Our little Fire Boy was having trouble understanding the ins and outs of helium balloons, so Wandering Dad though of a great activity.....fishing in the sky. He attached the balloon to the end of a fishing line, and let Fire Boy fish for it. They let the line go out and out and out and the balloon go up and up and up, and then Fire Boy reeled it in, time after time. This is a great way to keep a toddler busy for half an hour or more. Thank you creative dad!!

And it's also a great time to practice walking skills.

handmade beauty: wood

2009-10-03T12:09:00.001-07:00

I was going to spend my "me time" (i.e., afternoon nap) working on cleaning up the basement, but then I decided to take a few pictures instead. Lately I have been appreciating the handmade things in our life. We do have a high proportion (although not as high as I would love) of handmade items - rag hugs on our floors, wall hangings on our walls, and quilts on our beds. A few toys. A few hats. A few jewelry items. A few wooden items. A few tea mugs. A few photographs by friends on our walls.

Today my mother joined us on an outing to the local farmers' market and the the fairgrounds for the Virginia Mennonite Relief Sale. And we came away from both places with new handmade wooden items.

Last spring my son developed an interesting relationship with "Cookie Man" at the farmers' market. One day last spring Cookie Man was selling cookies, along with his handmade wooden items, plants, and veggies. He gave my son a small cookie for free. The next week, Cookie Man did not have cookies for sale, and my son was very disappointed. And every week since then Cookie Man has brought a single cookie for my son. It really is very sweet of him!! My little boy talks about Cookie Man all week and even makes up stories about Cookie Man. When we get to the farmers' market the first item of business is visiting Cookie Man (he looks for Cookie Man's truck when we are parking and makes sure that he is there and in his proper spot). But as soon as we approach the booth, my son gets quiet and shy. He whispers, "May I please have a cookie", and "thank you", but the long stories that he made up to tell Cookie Man are all tucked away inside. If I prompt for some of the things he said he wanted to tell Cookie Man he can manage a few words. But mostly it's just shy smiles. This seems to be okay with Cookie Man.

Last week I asked my son if he would like to have one of the wooden cups that Cookie Man makes so that he could remember him through the winter (and I would also like to support Cookie Man since he has been so very generous this spring, summer, and fall!). My son replied that he would like that, and so this week we bought a handmade white pine cup. I'm not sure yet what it's place in our house will be, but I think that it would go nicely on a nature table if I can manage to get one going.

At the Relief Sale I picked up a few wooden items for Christmas presents.

I had planned for them to go to extended family, but now I'm not so sure. I think I have fallen for this little box, and will probably give it to my son.

And, I am pound to say that I think my mom's quilts are at least as beautiful as those selling for over $1000 at the Relief Sale auctions!! Maybe I'll do a Mom's Quilt's post later! :)

I must also add that I was so please to see several other babywearing parents out and about this morning, and even a nursing toddler! Wonderful! So wonderful!

can I be mindful? can I be positive?

2009-10-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't moved way up a holler without running water or electricity and so been unable to blog (but maybe that's not such a bad idea...). I'm here. I think about writing but seldom make the time. I think about life. A lot. A whole lot. I think about the changes and opportunities that we have available in our lives. Both internal change and external change. I struggle with the relative importance of these two - internal and external - and I struggle to find the balance and happiness.

Both Wandering Dad and I have a tendency to be, well, critical. We want things our way. We want things done right. We want it to all line up. We want it to fall into place. Easily and quietly. Well, guess what. It doesn't. So we tend to be dissatisfied on some level. And we have trouble moving beyond that dissatisfaction to see the richness and wonderfulness of what we have. We have a lot on our plate right now, but we also are tremendously lucky in so many many ways.

So, instead of focusing on the stinky shrews that have colonized our wall and made out basement playroom smell like Yuck, I hope that we can focus on how wonderful it is to have a large playroom and what we can do to make this space a pleasant place to be as we go into winter (after the shrew stink is gone). Thoughts like that - for even the much larger things on our plate. Conscious thought transformation. Is that part of mindfulness?

I've been seeing the word mindfulness a lot lately in my reading. I read a bit here and a bit there (even my reading is disorganized these days - or actually, these years), and I see the idea of mindfulness, and I like it. But I'm still hesitant to use that term. I want to bring it into my life, but I'm still not sure I "get" it. I have been reading blogs and books and trying to learn about personal transformation and how to incorporate bits and pieces into my real life. I would like to be a better person, but I'm also trying to be realistic about how much I can do on the very limited time and energy I have as a working mother of young two high needs children. We're talking baby steps here.

And I've been thinking about how writing fits into my life. I write emails and chat with friends and things like that, but I think there is a place for writing here in this space, too. Somehow it helps me to write down some thoughts and then go back over them and proofread and try to make something that is a tad bit coherent and makes a smidgen of sense. It could also be helpful to write down current thoughts and goals and things I want to strive for. Accountability on a very very low level.

Another way that I think writing has helped me in the past is to organize my thoughts around the good things in my life. Writing here could provide a time to focus on the good things. When Wandering Dad and I were engaged for the last two years of our undergraduate days - him down south, and me up north-ish, we called and email and wrote letters. I loved to sit down and write letters about what I was doing and the little things that I saw or thought. The bugs or leaves or trees or sunshine or the warmth of the steps I was sitting on or people I saw, things like that (I think Wandering Dad probably got some odd letters!). Of course we wrote love letters, but we also wrote letters to share the little things in life. And I think writing like that brought those little things to the forefront and made them cherished.

When I was blogging somewhat regularly, and for weeks after I stopped, I would think about things in my life that were stories I wanted to tell. The little happy things. The good things. The things that give me warm fuzzies. Yes, I have written about some of the not so warm fuzzies, but I really enjoyed putting down the good things in writing. I took pictures on walks with the kids. I thought about what we were doing and how great it was and how I wanted to share it. And that was good! It was good to be searching my everyday life for the good things worth sharing. It felt good. Most of them never actually made it onto my blog, but I'm thinking about trying again. I want to bring those things to the forefront of my life. I want to consciously shift my thoughts toward the positive and good in my life. That doesn't mean I won't be grumpy or tired or lonely or dissatisfied with portions of my life, but I'll try not to dwell on those. Why not spend some energy on the happy things, too.

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday - breakfast with children

2009-09-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

Another lovely morning with children. ;) And yes, my son is exploring his nose. Or maybe he's fishing out the kisses. I didn't mean to take such a flattering picture of him, but hey, at least he's not screaming.

And while we're on flattering pictures, even babies have bad hair days.

My son looking being slightly more acceptable...

And, my wonderful and patient husband!

Birth Quilt and Birthday

2009-08-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Today was my daughter's first birthday. We will have a small party at my parents' place tomorrow, but today we just stayed home and appreciated our family (as much as we could with a screaming toddler and fussy one year old).

Last year my mother and I both independently came up with the idea of a "birth quilt", and both independently picked out the same pattern. This pattern spoke to me, and I knew that she was making it, but never imagined how beautiful it would really be. Last weekend she gave me this wall hanging, "Lone Star Spiral", in celebration of the birth of her grandchildren. The pictures don't do it justice.

A year ago...(birth story)

2009-08-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

My baby will be one year old tomorrow. I have been thinking a lot lately about a year ago and how much has happened since then. A few days after our daughter was born I wrote the following about the birth....

---------------------------------------------------

My midwife, MW, and her family stopped by to check in at around 4:30 on Friday. She did a quick prenatal while the kids and husbands played in the yard. They left about 5:30 and then our son, D, and I helped WanderingDad cut some lumber for the new play house and I started to get dinner ready.

Around 6pm I noticed that the contractions started getting pretty frequent and stronger. By 6:30 I called MW and my doula, MC, to tell them that I thought real labor was starting and wanted to give her a heads up. We put my parents on stand-by but told them we would try to get D to bed at our house. We quickly had a bit of dinner and soon I had to "sing" through contractions. I called MW back a little before 7pm and told her that I would want some company soon and that she could call MC and the "supervising" midwife, DB, who was over an hour away. I also called my parents to tell them to head this way to get D. They had people at their house and had to get send them on their way before they could leave, so they left around 7:05 for the hour drive over here.

WanderingDad rushed around trying to get D's last minute things together and start filling the birth pool, clean up tools in the yard, etc. D did really well and hung out with WanderingDad most of the time. WanderingDad said he handled me "singing" very well. MW arrived around 7:30 and I think contractions were around 4 minutes apart by then. I was going on all fours for contractions. She listened to baby a bit and everything seemed fine so she just hung out and started getting things ready. MC showed up shortly afterward and joined us in the basement. The hot water ran out about half way through filling the birth pool (we think an element is out in the water heater - great timing...). WanderingDad was still trying to get things together upstairs for D to go, and MW had him boil a few things since she wasn't sure DB was going to make it in time.

Things were getting pretty intense by then. MC and D played ball down in the basement with us, and D didn't seem to be at all upset by the fact that I was not being exactly quiet during contractions. The only time he got upset was once before MW and MC got there when he and I were playing ball and I had to quit during a contraction. That made him mad. :) During some of my contractions when I was down on all fours D came over and crawled underneath me saying I was a bridge. Amazingly, it didn't bother me to have him there and crawling under me. I hugged him and talked to him some between contractions.

Around 8pm (I think) I was ready for him to be out of the way so I could have peace and have MC focus on helping me. We sent him upstairs, but he wanted to come back down and play. Luckily my parents showed up right then and WanderingDad put the car seat in their car and D was thrilled to see them and to go with them - we had been talking about how he would go to their house while mommy had the baby. My mom could hear me working hard and didn't even come down to see me, which was just fine with me. I was glad to have D out of the way, but I was also glad that he got to be there for part of it.

After that things happened very quickly. The contractions were very intense and I was glad to be done with each one. There wasn't much time in between to rest, and I heard MW tell MC that I had 3 in 10 minutes. I started feeling a little water with a few contractions and so they put some pads underneath me on the floor. I was leaning on the bed on the floor for the contractions. I just let my body take over and didn't try to do anything in particular, just what felt right. MC and MW asked a few times if that contractions had felt different - said I sounded different. Soon we had more water and they said that I was starting to open up. I was kind of feeling the urge to push and they said to just do what felt right.

After a few more contractions I was really pushing. It was really intense, but happened very quickly. Once I was pushing the contractions were a little farther apart with more time to rest in between. WanderingDad was there by then and was able to see what was going on. He saw her crowing and then saw it when her eyebrows were out and then her nose, head, etc. Later they told me that it's really neat to watch a baby come out when mother is on all fours since baby is looking up (in ideal position). WanderingDad was not grossed out by it at all like he thought he would me. It was all so calm and lovely (except that I was working darn hard ;-) ). The baby came out around 8:27 I believe.

There was a fair bit of bleeding so they had me get up on the bed and lie down. The bleeding pretty much stopped then and they think that the placenta separated when I had her and that's what caused the extra bleeding then. They put her up on me and we got to look at each other. It was lovely. DB showed up shortly afterward and said everything seemed fine.

After a while (no idea how long) they clamped the cord and WanderingDad cut it. They tied it off with string so she doesn't have a big hard clip - that's nice. Then they had me help deliver the placenta. WanderingDad got to hold the baby then. They checked out the placenta and put it in a bag in the freezer so we can do as we please with it. After a while they checked me out - while DB was still there. I had a small tear on the inside, but it didn't go all the way through and there was no need for stitches. Everything else was fine.

They weighed baby and wrapped her in a different blanket since the first one got kind of cruddy. We weren't ready for diaper or clothes. DB went home after a while and we hung out in the basement for a while with MW and MC. We didn't take many pictures because we had the lights low and the flash really made the baby jump. When I was ready they helped me get upstairs and take a shower. I had managed to get blood from my shoulders to my toes and was happy to stand in nice warm water for a while. I was feeling really good. Mainly just weak and "empty" feeling. I guess my organs rearranging felt strange.

MW and MC washed off the baby's face and hair a little bit. She doesn't have much hair. The "cheesy" stuff (can't remember the real name) on the rest of her absorbed pretty well so we didn't worry about bathing her all over. She's nice and soft and lovely without a bath. I had a snack and got settled. MW and MC cleaned up in the basement and had a snack while WanderingDad and baby and I rested and talked and looked. We thought we knew what he name was going to me, but we weren't sure (and it changed the next morning). MW and MC got us settled and left around 11:30pm I think. WanderingDad and I talked a little more and when to bed shortly after that.

I didn't sleep well at all that night - probably all the hormones. The baby wanted to be snuggled right up next to me - I guess trying to get as close as she could to "home". Saturday morning we all snuggled for a while and then got up and puttered around a little. I felt really good except for being very tired and weak. By afternoon I was feeling a little more sore down below, but not too bad.

D did really really well at my parents place – his first night alone there. He was wound up when they got there so it was around 10:30 or so before he got to bed I think, but they said he slept well from 11-7am. He snuggled with my mom most of the night. The next morning he didn’t want to eat anything (not unusual) and was pretty grumpy by the time he eat much at 10:30. My dad went to work but came home at noon. They tried to take a nap and were nearly successful but D started thinking about us and wanted to come see Mommy and the new baby. So he slept some in the car on the way back over here.

When he got here he was not at all happy and wanted to go back to their house. Our daughter, SR, and I were on the front porch swing and stayed there for a while since we didn’t want to introduce her when D was in a bad mood. After about 20 minutes of sitting stubbornly in the car by himself WanderingDad convinced him to get out by offering a set of construction vehicle matchbox cars. That got him out to play in the driveway. But he pooped about the time SR and I made it around there, so he had to go in for a diaper change.

So we all went inside and D was just delighted to see the new baby. He wanted to hold her, so we let him sit on the sofa and hold her and then the both nursed. It was really sweet. He has been very good with her so far. Very gently and kind. He wants to hold her a lot, so we are trying to accommodate that request when possible and let him pat her when he can’t hold her. He’s a little distressed when she cries, but just wants to help make it better.

Bedtime last evening went well. MW came to do a checkup around 6:30, so we were a bit late on bedtime. It was 8pm by the time D was done with his snack, and by then he was pretty wound up. I got SR swaddled and to sleep over on the side of the bed so that D and I could have our regular bedtime routine. Part way through reading books she woke up and wanted to nurse and he was very patient and good for that. I got her back asleep and then he nursed for two minutes (that’s the limit at bedtime) requested and extra minute of boob time and then wanted to be “upside down superman” and fly over to his room and use the potty before bed. WanderingDad lay with him for a while and then was able to leave.

This morning when D came in he was all smiles and wanted to see the baby more than he wanted to nurse. I had already nursed her for about an hour, so she was quietly awake. That was nice. D nursed for a few minutes, but not his normal morning half hour. Then he patted the baby and felt her fingers and ears, etc. He is so sweet. WanderingDad changed SR’s diaper and then both children nursed a little more. The morning really went well. SR has really wanted to nurse a lot, so I carried her around nursing while I got some breakfast and then hung out with D while WanderingDad ate. D has been very interested in what she’s doing and it’s lovely to see him so caring with her. I’m sure that there will be rough times ahead, but so far he’s being an absolutely wonderful big brother. D wanted the baby to go grocery shopping with them this morning, so we had to convince him that she would stay home with mommy.

So I’m tried and should probably be resting this morning while WanderingDad and D are out, but I really wanted to type some of this up while it’s still fresh in my mind.

Wordless Wednesday: Sibling Breakfast

2009-08-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Every evening we leave a jar of cereal on the toddler table in the living room because our son likes to have some food available first thing in the morning (and sometimes he gets up before us and we don't feel like getting up to help him). Lately the kids have been sharing their half pint jar of Shredded Spoonfuls. It's really cute to see them eat breakfast together.

calendar play

2009-08-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

Our son always asks what day it is. "What today called, mommy. Mommy have to go to work today?"

After we found him neatly marking off days on our planning calendar, I got him his own whiteboard calendar. He works very hard at writing down something for each day and then erasing the whole thing clean.

Eventually we will try to use this calendar as an actual monthly planning tool for him (it is magnetic too, so I imagine making pictures to represent people/activities that he can put on specific days), but we're waiting for the newness to wear off and for him to be ready to not erase as soon and it's full. And we must find a hanging place that his little helper can't reach....

Wordless Wednesday: testing the new purewool

2009-08-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

holes

2009-07-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that most people have down times in life. But for some of us those down times can be significant and require a little extra help to move beyond. And moving beyond requires an in depth review of cause and effect and analysis of what is within and what is outside of our control. More is usually within than expected. It's easy to blame anything and anyone else, and it's harder to accept that the problem and the power lie within. It's also darn hard to accept the fact that help is needed (sometimes chemical, sometimes emotional, sometimes spiritual, often all of those). It's hard to make changes when you're "barely getting by as it is". It's hard to get off your bum to do the hard work when you have no energy to do even the fun stuff. It's hard to move beyond fear and anger and panic and doubt and blah. And it's darn hard to say "I have a mental health problem and I need some help here!" Strong willed and don't want to pop a pill every morning? Especially at that price monetary price tag! Worried about what might go through milk to babies? Oh, and speaking or price tags, therapy, oh my goodness! But what about a happy healthy home. It's not instant. It's not easy. No miracles. But, climbing back out of a hole is good. It's much easier to sit at the bottom, but there is fun and love and life at the top. I am lucky to have friends and family who order me to put up my hand and hold on to theirs while the pull me back up. I've visited holes before, dug in bit by bit not realizing that I'm below the top soil and then struggling to find a way out. I will most likely visit holes again in my life, but for now I'll cling to the grass at the top.

Nowtime

2009-07-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

A friendly robin told me to walk. So I did. I walked and I listened and I felt.
I walked uphill and down. I walked over bridges and saw robins and squirrels. A young tenative squirrel.
I saw lovers and readers and walkers and resters.

And part way through my allotted time I looked at the clock and discovered that I had time to spare.
So I decided to sit for a bit.
Traffic, birds, squirrels, voices, wind in the trees.

It wasn't much. But body and mind say do it again. I will. Now one more loop in the woods before I go.
Hot spots on my heels indicate how unusual such excursions are (and maybe the need for new walking shoes).

I followed the words in my head and let it be about me. Not about home or work or others. Not about life or change or anything in particular. Just now. This moment. Compose words in my head. No direction. Just words. This was me time. Not theirs. Not life. Mine. Nowtime.

Wordless Wednesday - me in a former life

2009-07-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

I guess it's not wordless if I write a caption, but at least less wordy...
As I think about who I am and who I want to be I sometimes look back to who I was. This was in one of my former lives.

isolation

2009-07-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have been at work all day and have spoken to no one except my husband and 10 month old on the phone briefly. The isolation of a lonely office is different from the isolation of being alone in the woods or working alone at home, both of which I found quite doable.

Monday morning without nursing

2009-07-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

This morning my son asked to nurse, but didn't push it when I reminded him that yesterday he had a weaning party and that he doesn't need to nurse any more. We cuddled for a long time and talked about how fun his party was and all the fun things he did yesterday. I tried to keep him talking so that he didn't want to use his mouth for other things. ;) He only asked once, but wanted to stay on my lap for a long time cuddling. It was nice. It was nice to cuddle and talk. We will miss the nursing, but we were ready and we will enjoy a new kind of close time.

Last night I was sad while putting up the post with pictures from his party. I was exhausted and sad and didn't have much to say. I still don't have a lot to say about it I guess. But I think it was a good way for us to end the nursing relationship.

weaning party is over - so far so good

2009-07-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

So, it's over. We're done. No more nursing.

Mama had to stay in the office for a few minutes after the last nursing session before I could go out with dry eyes.

He had a good time and felt special.

This evening we were a little sad.

I have tried not to nurse our daughter in front of him. I pumped after he went to bed.

He tested my resolve when we got home. But it turned out okay. He asked several more times but was okay with no boob. He cuddled at bedtime and said that he had a weaning party and now just gets to cuddle. We talked about how it was okay to be sad and that you can be more than one emotion at once - happy and sad. We told him to ask for cuddles and hugs if he is sad. We hope that tomorrow goes as well.

Last nursing session - party hats on and ready to go.

He didn't nurse for long - ran off to have fun!

weaning party boy and his trusty sidekick

Blowing out the candles on the cake he helped bake.
He put the candles on all by himself
(except for the one he put in upside down and mama corrected...)

my silly boys :)

eating cake

she was a good sport and even wore a hat

and chased balloons

weaning party

2009-07-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

(my big boy who grew strong on mama's milk)

(we've come a long way from day 1)

My son is 3.5 years old, and for several months I have been thinking that it is time for him to wean. I think he is ready. I think I am ready (pretty sure of that). He and I have been discussing how soon he will be so big that he will not need to nurse any more and he can just cuddle instead. I have been more insistent that he only nurse twice on weekdays when I work and three times on the weekends. He seemed to accept the idea of eventually not "needing a boob" any more, but he was in no hurry to get there. There are some days that I think he would not have nursed if I hadn't been nursing his little sister. When she nurses it reminds him and then he wants to nurse.

A few weeks ago I was discussing weaning ideas with a friend and she suggested a "weaning party" - a party to celebrate the end of nursing. A few days ago I mentioned this to my son, and he jumped at the idea. "A party? With cake and ice cream" (even thought he only ate ~2 bites of cake and ice cream at his 3rd birthday party) "Now?!" I explained to him that if he has a weaning party he will not get to nurse any more and he can just cuddle with mommy. "No more boobs. Ever." And apparently he's OK with the idea. Last night before bed when he was about to nurse he told me "I'm going to have a weaning party and then me don't need a boob any more, me just cuddle with mommy." I have no idea how he's going to feel about that afterward, but we're going forward with the idea.

Yesterday afternoon we went to Target and he picked out party supplies. He picked out green birthday hats, striped candles, baseball plates, blue and yellow streamers, and birthday balloons. Since he can't read we figure it doesn't matter that some of the items say "Happy Birthday". He carried the hats and candles all through the store and to the van. This morning he woke me up to tell me that he needed his hats and candles Right Now! We have not let him open the packages on any of the party supplies, but he is obsessed with those hats and candles.

Today at the farmers market he announced to a friend (who sadly is moving far far away in a few days) that he was having a weaning party soon. When we took a bucket of green beans and a bag of basil to a friend (and my doula) he proudly told her that he was having a weaning party tomorrow. Maybe it's better to do this weaning party Before our son starts preschool so that he doesn't announce too much. Not that I'm embarrassed that we are still nursing, not at all, but some things are easier left unexplained. After the farmers market we went to the grocery store and he picked out an organic chocolate cake mix and coconut milk ice cream.

So, tomorrow is it. The big day. Unless he backs down. I'm willing to wait a few more weeks. Originally we had planned to have it next weekend, but he's so excited that we're planning on having the party tomorrow my parents house. I will let him nurse tomorrow morning. Hopefully we will be able to set aside a little time to have a nice last nursing session. And then that's it. It's over. 3.5 years of nursing him every day. Multiple times a day. Through pregnancy. Tandem nursing. Toddler nursing. Nursing a kid. I haven't really thought about how I will feel. I don't know how it will affect me. Right now it seems like a logical progression, but I'm sure it will be more emotional for me than I expect. We have been through a lot together - initial learning and latching, thrush/yeast, pediatricians telling us to stop nursing (what on earth!!!), dairy allergy (so I was dairy free for 3 years), late eating, two years of pumping at work for him, pregnancy and no milk, sharing the boobs with his sister, and now... weaning.

Part of me feels guilty. Part of me feels like I should continue since I am still lactating for his sister anyway. Part of me feels like it's bad to wean him at a time of so many changes in his life (potty learning, starting preschool soon). Part of me feels like I should continue since preschool will expose him to so many new germs and he could use the immune boost. Part of me feels like I should continue so he gets the calcium and good fats since he refuses to drink any other type of milk. But, another part of me says it's time and that he will be ok, he's ready, he takes calcium supplements, and it's really OK mama, get over it already. We'll hope that part is strong tomorrow.

And here are a few more pictures from his first year of nursing. (to complement the nursing toddler pictures here...)

(1st birthday)

Wodless Wednesday - Baby and Black Raspberries

2009-07-01T07:18:00.000-07:00

I love black raspberries! And so does my baby! We have a bunch of wild raspberries growing around the ourside of our yard, and each even we go pick a few cups of berries. They are extra special since we didn't plant them and don't have to care for them - bonus berries! Last evening I was picking berries with my daughter in a ring sling, and she was really interested so I gave her one. She loved it, but eating berries while strapped to mama was not a good idea so we moved to the high chair inside. She had a grand time!

slug catcher

2009-06-18T06:38:00.001-07:00

This morning when I left for work my son was patrolling the driveway on his tricycle looking for slugs. I'm usually fond of bugs and creep crawlies, but I have a grudge against slugs. Maybe it's the damage they do to the garden? Maybe it's the Huge slugs we had at our first house in NJ 9 years ago? Shudder. Maybe it's the work/anniversary camping trip on Cheat Mountain when small slugs invaded our tent and everything else we brought. Yuck. Anyway, I just have a thing about slugs. But my son doesn't. He rides around looking for the slimy critters and pokes them with a stick until they slime up enough to stick to the stick and then he peddles over and bangs his stick on the block next to the driveway until they fall off behind the wall. Thank you D for removing the slugs! I appreciate it, I really do.

nursing in an APLX

2009-06-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite pictures from the last few weeks. Me nursing my daughter in the Anglepack LX at the Frontier Culture Museum.

a tooth and a fox

2009-06-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

My daughter has a tooth! I guess that explains the funny nursing habit and waking up every 45 minutes to nurse!

Oh, and my son won't go to sleep until he lays and egg in his nest. Then after nap he has to nurse the baby fox that hatches from the egg.

pea pods

2009-06-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have a large pile of empty pea pods sitting on the corner of my desk today. This morning I stopped at the farmers market for lettuce (since our next batch is not ready yet) and couldn't resist the last bag of peas. I love peas! I bought them for my son - at least that's my justification - but I figured I should test a few before I take them home... I also got some cherry tomatoes. And the lettuce that I came for. Last evening my husband and son put up the cages on our tomato plants while I put our daughter to bed. The garden is looking really nice in the sections that we've gotten weeded and mulched. Hopefully soon I can get some more seeds in and we can finish up the mulching. Fun fun!

Oh, and we're going to have fresh broccoli with dinner! :)

what i need

2009-06-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

Last evening I spent a little time weeding in the garden while my husband was mowing the lawn. Our son played in his digging hole at the edge of the garden and checked in with me periodically. Our daughter sat on my lap or in the hay beside me trying to eat weeds. And I listened. My mind was open. Thank you woowoo mama for the reminder to listen. And what I heard was that the reasons for my distress at working outside the home go beyond missing my children. Yes, I want to be with them, but it is more than that. Being a working mama means I have no time for the things that are important to me to be me and to be a mama. Deep things that seem simple but cannot be brushed aside like I have been doing. I have a deep need to provide for my family, not with a monthly pay check but with my own hands and my own self. It sounds silly. I mean, we have money to buy the things we need and want, why on earth would I personally need to be more involved. I don't know the answer to that, but it is what it is. I have been reflecting on this since last evening, and it makes sense. It is true. It is me.

Before we had children I was able to work And to do the things I needed to do to be me. I spent my free time growing plants, canning and freezing food, making things, etc. When we lived in suburbia and didn't have a large garden I made and canned our own soups to take to work for lunch. I cooked a lot. Baked a lot. I took fresh hot cinnamon rolls to my husband's work and fresh bread to seminars at school. And we were drawn home to the farm frequently. Now that I have children that deep inside part of me needs to provide for them. It is what I am meant to do. Not that I need to make everything for them, but a part of me, a big important part, is aching because I can't do what I am meant to do. I can't provide for their most basic needs in the most basic way. I have no time to cook and sew and can and teach. It's meant to be simple, and it can't be. Instead I have to take the round about path of working to earn money to buy the things and hiring others to teach them. And this is not a matter of "wait until they are older and then you will have more time to do the things that you need to do for yourself". No, what I need to do is provide for them! It is for me, but it's not that I want to have more time to myself, it is that I need to be a different kind of provider. And this is not something that I can do later. I only get one chance at this. I can't put these things off until the kids are grown, it won't be an option then.

A lot of these things are ideas that I have been flirting with for a while. Maybe I'm just hard headed or in denial, but these ideas are not new. Please guides, be patient with me while I try to grasp this and learn. Each time these ideas surface I take a little more of it to heart and remember for longer that it is true. I have been here before. There have been other times in my life where I felt too far removed from the basics of life and had to make major changes to recenter my life. Then gradually my life has moved away from that centering again. But I think we are nearing another big shake-up and recentering.

I feel is that there is a solution. It's not meant to be like this forever. So this morning I'm searching my mind and soul. What can that solution be? I don't expect it to jump out at me, but I think it's there somewhere. And it may take years to get there. But I also strongly feel that it will take all of our creativity and effort to make it work. If this is what we want (and it must be we, I cannot do it alone), then we must make it a big goal and take baby steps toward it. We must. Or the time will pass and the chance will be gone and it will not be what we Can do, but what we Could have done. And that will never bring happiness or contentment. So, please universe, give us the strength to put some effort where it is needed and find a way to meet all our needs, even our non-material needs.

one of those days

2009-06-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days where I want so badly to be a stay-at-home mom. I know that it is not possible, but I still dream that somehow it could happen. Every day I leave the most important things in my life. Every day I miss the little joys. Every day I am sad and feel an emptiness. Every day I am homesick.

I keep trying to get past this. To move on and accept and be thankful for what we do have. But I always end up right back here, with a lump in my throat.

I am thankful. Really I am. I am so thankful that my husband can be home - and is willing to be home - and is good at it. It is not an easy job. I am thankful that he gets to see all the little things I miss. I am thankful that I have a relatively flexible job without travel and usually not long hours. I am thankful that I have my own office and can pump milk for my baby without major inconvenience. I am thankful that I have a happy marriage and two wonderful kids. I am thankful for smiles and hugs. But darn it, it's just not easy to be away from my kids. I feel like I missed the most important calling in my life and now I will never get a second chance. I feel like I put my priorities in the wrong order before I had children and now I have to live with it forever.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's one of those days.

nap versus garden

2009-05-30T11:18:00.001-07:00

I would like to thank Annie at PhD in Parenting for including me in her series on preparing for baby #2. Annie will be sharing the the experiences of how she, janefriar, woowoo mama, and I adjusted to life with two. I am looking forward to reading more about their experiences, and I feel very honored to be included! :)

It is nap time again here, and everyone else is asleep. I supposed that I should nap, too, but I have never been a good napper. In kindergarten I was proud of the fact that I seldom napped even when everyone else (all 6 in my class) was asleep on their mats. And I remember lying on the bed at a babysitters house thumping my belly like a watermelon when I was supposed to be napping.

Today I feel like I could nap, but both bedrooms are full of nappers - and I don't want to risk waking anyone to go lie down. Maybe I will go work in the garden instead. Weekend nap times are the only time I ever really get to myself, so in some ways I think the time is more important than the sleep. So, off to the garden before it rains....

the trouble with sharing

2009-05-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

(tough man and his tattoo - he came back from grandma's house with bugs)

Our son isn't particularly good at sharing. Maybe no tots are? Sometimes he is very good about sharing and distributing his toys/food/whatever, but only on his terms. He's very much an in charge kind of guy. He'll push carrot sticks and grapes on daddy until daddy begs him to stop. But he still isn't used to having another strong willed little person around.

Now that our daughter is mobile she is much happier. And she is keeping our son hopping removing his toys out of her reach. He is very possessive of his things. I have no idea how much of this is normal 3.5 year old stuff and how much is our spirited gift, but he gets right mad if she gets the wrong thing. Well, nearly anything. We talk to him a lot about sharing and about how she is just checking things out and will soon drop it and move on. But if he does not get the item away from her he sits there like a pot boiling over the whole time she is checking it out. And then he sighs a great sigh of relief when she drops is. He even took over the exersaucer - it's his car.

Our son can be very efficient at removing all interesting play things from an area, leaving his sister with a cloth diaper wipe, a diaper, mama's shirt, a paper towel tube, and a few other odds and ends to entertain herself in the bedroom. She used to get mad, but I think she's getting used to it. Sometimes it is even a game. He moves things a few feet away, she follows, he moves, she moves, he growls, she laughs. I'm also not sure how much of this is his game and how much is serious. Basically, I have no clue what's going on and how to deal with it. So we try to keep some sort of peace and find a few non-controversial things for our daughter to play with. Usually the boring things that she doesn't want.

But the last few days our daughter just leaves the room if there is nothing worthy of her time. We're gonna need some major peace keeping she learns to walk. We have a self motivated, self propelled baby on the loose and a possessive, spirited tot in the same space. I'd love tips from other attachment parenting peace keepers....

Wordless Wednesday: she was so small

2009-05-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

My little girl is standing up any chance she gets now. She's getting so Big! She says "da" when her brother comes in the room, and maybe she says "dada"? And she is too busy to nurse properly except at nap and night or if she's in a carrier. I was looking for a picture for today and this group caught my eye (pictures taken by my cousin last Thanksgiving).

bouncing baby

2009-05-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

Today I am bouncing a sick baby for her morning nap. This is only the second or third cold that she has had (so much for the well baby visit last week - I think it created a sick baby by visiting the doctors office), and she is not happy about having a nose filled with snot. Last night she had a lot of trouble sleeping lying down, so my husband (who has a cold now, too) or I had to hold her pretty much all night. Not conducive to sleep. This morning she is fussy and clingy, so I have been wearing her most of the morning. We decided that she needed a good nap and the best way to get that was to wrap her, so here I bounce. And really, I'm enjoying it. I never know when it will be the last good wrap-nap. Warm baby snuggled on my chest, breathing gently, relaxed bare legs and warm little toes hanging at my sides.

My baby is growing up. Probably my last baby. That is hard for me to admit, but I know that our family is full, and in reality I'm ready for some sleep and easier. But still, it's all happening so fast. Two weeks ago our daughter learned to crawl, a few days ago she learned to pull up to standing by herself. One evening I left her in the middle of the bedroom floor while I went to put diapers in the washer and when I returned she was standing at the changing table looking very pleased with herself. My husband says that she likes to stand at the TV cabinet and adjust knobs and push buttons while our son is watching is lunch-time video. And she has discovered the towel drawer in the kitchen and thinks that is great fun. Yesterday she smashed her fingers in it once, but that did not deter her for long. We can no longer leave her anywhere unattended because she is Trouble! Having a tot and a toddler in the house is going to be quite a handful!

I am trying to be conscious of both my daughter's need to practice her new found skills and mobility while also meeting her needs for being held close. I am trying to be very aware of her need to reconnect with me and to be available when she reaches for me or tries to crawl onto my lap. Since I am only home for a few waking hours during the day I try to be sure to wear her when I can instead of trying to get her to entertain herself by herself while I do things. She still very much needs her mommy time. And I still very much need baby time. Now balancing all that with giving my son enough mommy time is another matter, and something I am still working on every day.

time for pictures

2009-05-23T12:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone else in the house is asleep. I should probably be napping since nights have been so rough lately, but I am enjoying a little time to myself instead. It is a hot sunny day and I took a laundry basket of clean diapers out the picnic table to photograph so that I can sell them. Funny thing is, I enjoy taking pictures of diapers. How sad is that - my cloth diaper obsession has progressed to the point where I think they are great photography subjects. I guess it could be worse.

So, I photographed the diapers and then went around the yard and garden taking pictures of flowers and vegetable plants. This is one of the first times since we got our new camera that I have had a chance to take flower pictures, and it was fun. I still get a lot of not-so-great photos, but I think a few turned out very nice. And I even took the camera off auto focus!

I had planned to go back out and weed in the garden for a while, but it's in the 80s and I am a whimp and don't feel like going back out. Last evening I got about 10 feet of one pea row weeded with my daughter in the APLX on my back. Only about 100 feet left to go....of peas....

Oh, and I saw some pea flowers!!! Exciting. Peas are my favorite. They seldom make it in from the garden to be cooked because I sit in the pea row and eat them all.

The potatoes are growing nicely (compare to the planting scene...).

And much of the brocoli has already bolted.

Only one batch of my broccoli is forming propper nice heads this year. Not sure what happened there.
Romain lettuce is lovely. We used one head for salad last night. Steak salad for dinner. Yummm. We eat a lot of salads in the summer.

Some spinach is ready, but it's not doing great this year...need more nitrogen??

Onions look happy.
Carrots are growing and the second batch of beans is up.

And it sounds like the rest of my family is moving, so I'll leave you with a pretty peony.

Baby's tongue

2009-05-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

Last weekend our daughter was really excited about her tongue.

Mommy Brain

2009-05-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe I’ve mentioned this before – I’m too brainless to remember – but when I was little I used to tell my mother that she gave her brains to me. Not the nicest thing to say to your wonderful mother! My mom is a very intelligent person, but she was always doing silly little things that didn’t make sense to me, and it seemed to me that sometimes she had a few marbles mixed up.

Well, evidently the brain has now been passed on to my children. Or at least I certainly how that’s where it has gone! Because I am most definitely not worthy of the diplomas on my wall (not that the diplomas actually made it up onto the wall). Nope, I can’t even do basic daily tasks these days without making some pretty crazy flubs. Like last evening – after the kids were in bed my husband and I were sitting on the love seat in the office and I realized that my tshirt was on backwards. And it wasn’t one of those tagless dealies they have now, but a shirt with a big scratchy tag. I went to scratch my itchy neck and found a tag. The sad part is that first I wondered why there was a tag in the front of my shirt, not why my shirt was on backwards. I did finally determine that it was user error and not manufacturer error, but that doesn’t remove the fact that I had worn the shirt backwards for 4+ hours without noticing. Oh, and then a friend called to chat while I was washing breatpump parts, and I promptly hung up on her. Not a good day for proving my abilities and intelligence to anyone. Hopefully I made a better impression at my interview last week!

Is this Mommy Brain just lack of sleep? Or the result of increased multitasking? Or did I truly pass the brains on to my kids? Will I ever “have it all together” again? Who knows. For now I think I’d better just put my energy toward functioning at the highest level I can manage and worry about the longer term when it get here. Because I have Not mastered the art of appearing intelligent, organized, and productive at this stage of my life. Maybe if I gave in to the black tea it would help? Maybe not.

Wordless Wednesday: places to go, things to do

2009-05-20T20:05:00.000-07:00

crunches, crunches, I did crunches

2009-05-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

I did! I did crunches today and two days last week. Nothing like the shred woowoomama is doing, but at least I'm going something. Either before or after one of my pumping sessions, while my office door is closed and the door blind down, I roll out my green exercise mat on the floor and do crunches and pelvic tilts. Seems like I should be doing something else to decrease the slooge in my mid-section, but that's all I've come up with. Anyone have other exercise ideas - I mean simple ones - talking 5 minutes on my office floor type of exercises.... I still have a significant diastasis 8.5 months later, so I obviously need to do something. I've bounced back pretty well weight-wise after baby #2, but not so well belly-wise. Sigh. Oh well. At least the belly can be slooged around so I can fit into prepregnancy pants now. Yesterday I was thinking that it's time to hunt out my old jeans, not the "I'm feeling plump" ones, but the real ones. But maybe I'll wait a few more weeks just in case they still don't fit. And maybe the "plump" ones were just feeling baggy since they have been worn several times since the last washing (read "more than several but I'm embarassed to say I don't know when they were last washed"). I hate putting on jeans just after washing - makes me feel like I've gained 5 lbs. Oh, and last week I squeezed into a pair of pants that my college roomate gave me about 10 years ago. That made me feel good.

Well, all that talk made me hungry. Off to find something to munch.

a warm meal: lentil soup and corn bread

2009-05-16T12:23:00.001-07:00

I was typing these up to email to a friend so I thought I'd put them up here, too. If only I felt like cooking today....

Vegan Corn Bread

1.5 teaspoons egg replacer
2 tablespoons water
1 cup cornmeal
1/2 cup whole wheat pastry flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 Tablespoons cane sugar
2 Tablespoons vegetable oil
1 cup rice milk
1/2 teaspoon salt

Bake at 450 for 10-15 minutes.

I'm assuming you can take it from there.... ;-)
I sometimes use 1 egg instead of egg replacer and water.
I usually double this recipe. They freeze well.

------------------------------------------------------------
Lentil Soup

2 Tablespoons olive oil
1 cup chopped onion
1.5 cups chopped carrot
1.5 cups chopped celery
2 teaspoons salt
1 lb lentils
1 quart crushes tomatoes (or fresh chopped)
1 quart vegetable broth
1 quart chicken broth
1.5 teaspoons ground coriander
1.5 teaspoons ground cumin
1.5 teaspoons garlic (either minced or dried granulated)

Place olive oil in large pot and set over medium heat. Once hot add onion, carrot, celery, and salt. Cook until onions translucent. Add lentils (washed), tomatoes, broth, and spices. Stir to combine. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer on low until lentils are tender (about an hour?).

I have already tripled the veggies and the spices, but I sometimes add even more. The original recipe calls for ground grains of paradise, but I don't have that so I just left it out and added garlic. ;-) I have also added chicken or sausage a few times.

I sometimes double this and freeze. It also goes well over brown rice.

outside my little world

2009-05-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

Today I had lunch with my family and then did a little shopping on my lunch break. I seldom make it to main stream stores any more, but I needed to stop at Target for disposable diapers for my son. I started out embarrassed that I was buying disposable diapers, but by the time I left the store that was the least of my worries. After being astounded to pay 36.5 cents per diaper (that makes nice cloth look pretty cheap, especially considering the resale value of cloth), I went a few isles over to look for straw cups and sippy cups. Colored plastic all round! No stainless here. But I succumbed to the call of the plastic and picked up a nuby straw cup for our daughter and some more “take and toss” (we rewash rewash) straw cups for our son. Sigh. I wish I could ditch the plastic, but somehow that never happens.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff. Stores full of stuff. Stuff we don’t need. We have our fair share (and then some) of stuff we don’t need, but I mean this is stuff no one needs. Stuff that should never have been made. Do people really buy this stuff? I guess they must or it wouldn’t be here.

I quickly went through the children’s clothing section looking for pants for my son. Nope. They have no pants. Only shorts. I mean, who on earth would need pants when it’s spring. Lows in the lower 40s this weekend, but you shouldn’t need pants, right? Humph. Ok. Maybe not.

Then a cart passed with a crying baby in it. The parents were talking to each other and yelling at an older child and not even looking at the baby. I’m really bothered by this. The made no move to comfort baby or see if there was something baby needed. If my son had been with me he would have said urgently “baby cry! Baby needs mama boob!” Mama boobs are instrumental in making the world better in his mind.

While I was shopping I started hearing things from the next isle over that I would never imagine saying in public, let alone in the children’s section of a store – well actually I wouldn’t ever say them, anywhere. As I passed by on my way to the checkouts I saw an obviously pregnant girl and her boyfriend and his friend picking out a car seat. The girl was silent and the boys were loud, rude, and vulgar. I felt for the girl. I feel for the child. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to invite her to our local birth circle of loving and caring women. Maybe I should have? I saw them again at the checkout. The friend loudly boasting what a bad influence he was going to be on the baby. The girl just standing there. What should I have done? When I see things like that it makes a different part of the motherly me surface. I want to mother the mother. I want to show her how things can be different, and things she can do for her baby. I want to make sure she has a healthy pregnancy. I want her to have a joyful birth. I want to tell her about Attachment Parenting. About the joy of wearing your baby. Heck, I’d even give her a carrier. But would it matter? I don’t know. Maybe she is just trying to get by. Trying to survive. Did she want to get pregnant? Does she want to be with this man? How long will she and the baby be with this man? Will he help support them? Will she have breastfeeding support? Probably not. I doubt that she has the support she needs. I doubt that she is prepared for what is to come. An event that can rock even a strong marriage. An event that will completely change her life. What can someone like me do but offer her a smile?

So, I guess this is a negative post. But that shopping trip scared me. Scared me for society. For our world. And it also made me realize both how lucky I am and how much I live in my own little world. My little world where homebirth, cloth diapers, and wool are not atypical. My world where people carry their babies and attend to them if they cry. My world where parents love each other. My world where people grow their food and cook from scratch. My world where kids don’t drink mountain dew while eating ice cream at age 4. My world with no TV an only very select videos. I am very happy that my little world exists and that I’m not alone in it. I have good friends. Friends who give support and guidance. Friends who are crunchier than we are. Friends who do the things I wish I could get it together to do. Friends who are an inspiration to me. I am thankful for my friends and guides and mentors. I am thankful that I know that there is a subculture of crunch out there. We connect at events like our local birth circle and at the farmers market and online communities and blogs. We need each other, and the world needs more crunch I believe.

This is what a nursing toddler looks like...

2009-05-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

(our son nursing Mama Bear)

I'm a day late, but I'd still like to join the "This is what a nursing toddler looks like" carnival over at the bee in your bonnet. I haven't mastered nursing a toddler in a sling like PhD in Parenting or others, but we have had some creative nursing. I never imagined that I would nurse a toddler, or tandem nurse, but I'm doing both and feel that it is the best thing for my children. I had composed a post in my head all about nursing a toddler, but after an hour and a half of trying to put high-needs children to bed (the toddler is still rummaging around in bed...sigh) the ideas are gone and I'm just plain exhausted. So here are some pictures of our toddler nursing, and I'll leave it at that for tonight.

(nursing at 19 months)

(nursing at 20 months)

(nursing at 21 months)

(nursing on his 3rd birthday)

little hand

2009-05-04T13:20:00.000-07:00

My son is growing up so fast. He spent last night at my parents place and would have gladly stayed another night. It is wonderful that he gets time with them, and two-on-one time with lots of personal attention (somewhat lacking at home since our daughter arrived). He gets to be a boy and "help" feed cows and play in the creek and get completely muddy and dirty. He may come home tired and without the usual amount of food in his system (life is too exciting to eat much other there), but he is safe and sound and happy and stimulated. I feel very fortunate to have my parents nearby and to have them involved in the growth of our children.

lawn concert

2009-05-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

last week the boys gave us a lawn concert after dinner. our daughter isn't too sure about grass, but she likes music.

going green

2009-04-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

I always forget how fast the world goes from grey and brown to green. It seems like this week our world has turned green. The tops of the mountains are still brown, and midway up is still that light early spring green, but it is really green here in the valley. Here is a sampling of the greenery in our garden last weekend. Peas, spinach, kale, and broccoli. All much bigger now!

healthy pumpkin bread

2009-04-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

There is something very satisfying about eating an entire loaf of pumpkin bread! My son and I made pumpkin bread last weekend and every day I have had one loaf for snack. Please don't think I'm a complete glutton - they were mini loaves, and I didn't even fill the mini loaf pans very full. What should have been 2 regular sized loaves was 8 mini loaves. I froze the extras, and each day I thaw one loaf for snack. That reduces the need for self control...I can eat whatever is thawed. I have no self control. And I'm eating for 3 so I consume large amounts of food. I'll probably gain a ton of weight when I'm no longer nursing. I have been pregnant, nursing, or both for the last four years and my sense of normal proportions is long gone. I'm always shocked at the small amount of food that can sustain other people.

So, here is my relatively healthy pumpkin bread recipe. I don't remember where I got it, but I've adapted is to fit my tastes (less sugar, etc).

Whole Wheat Pumpkin Nut Bread

3 1/3 cup whole wheat pastry flour
~1/3 cup cane sugar
1 tsp baking powder (I can't remember, but I think I may have put 2 tsp baking powder in last time...I finished off the can, whatever amount that was)
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp cloves
1 tsp salt

mix dry ingredients together (a good task for the three year old while you get other things together. Oh, and be sure to let the three year old empty the measuring cups and spoons full of dry ingredients into the bowl...if you forget be prepared to scoop them back up again and try again!)

1 15oz can pumpkin
1/3 cup apple sauce
4 eggs
1/2 cup canola oil
1/2+ cup agave nectar
a bit of water - maybe scant quarter cup?

mix wet ingredients well

if you don't have agave nectar honey would probably work. I like the mild flavor of agave nectar and the fact that is has a low glycemic index. If you don't want to use agave or honey, just use 1 cup of sugar and up the water to 1/2 cup.

mix the wet into the dry (tough task for 3 year old, but he probably wants to try)

1 cup chopped pecans
(note, babies are not thrilled by sound of frozen pecans being chopped in cuisinart, but if you make happy funny faces at baby she might get through it without bawling)

and if you're pregnant and wanting extra iron and calcium you can add some fig nuggets or chopped figs - i suggest skipping the figs if you're not craving those things

ok. mix nuts/figs into the big bowl (note - by all means give the 3 year old a go at stirring it all together because if you don't give him a chance and the nuts get stirred in without his permission you're gonna hear about it)

divide into mini-loaf pans (8, or 6 if you make them fuller) or 2 large loaf pans. i guess you could make muffins

Bake at 350 till done. Um, I guess that's pretty vague. my notes say 60-65 minutes, but I think that was for big loaves. after putting these in the oven i went back to the bedroom to sort clothes and took them out when i finally remembered that they were in the oven....so it doesn't have to be precise. my loaves were pretty brown but taste fine. bake at least until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.

Enjoy. I am.

Wordless Wednesday - boy and stick

2009-04-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

big and comforting

2009-04-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

I remember my parents being big and warm and comforting when I was little. Sometimes it strikes me as really strange that I am now that to my own children. Big. Warm. Comforting. Smooshy. Mommy. How did I get from being that little kid being held in my parents arms to being the parent doing the holding?

the look

2009-04-24T19:11:00.001-07:00

good food

2009-04-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

today i have time to write a post but don't know what to say. most days i have posts in my head but no time to write. today i'm all written out after a very busy week of work related technical writing. all week i've had to pay attention to formatting and caps and punctuation, so i'm going to ignore all that now. ah....

so, last evening my husband fixed stir fry from scratch. with fresh veggies. with no recipe. all...by...himself! wow. oh, and he made jasmine brown rice (yes, brown) to go with it. this is coming from the frozen pizza and white rice guy. :) no offense to pizza and white rice lovers (and i think they are yummy, too), but i'm just using that as an example to show how far he's come. when i met this man he lived primarily on pizza and chef boyardee (and i had to look up how to spell that since i'm not a chef boyardee fan) mini ravioli. oh, and sunkist orange drink. so, you can see that he's come a long way! early in our marriage when i had time to cook and bake and can and freeze i made all sorts of creating things - some better than others. and my husband ate a great variety of new things. kids came along and i had no time to cook. dairy allergies came along and i haven't eaten dairy in over 3 years for the kids. and we discovered that my husband can't have msg (under any of it's many names) or artificial sweeteners. between all those we're pretty hard to feed and cook for. and my husband had to learn to cook in the middle of all that. but, he has done a splendid job and provides us with homecooked nutritious meals most days of the week i'm really proud of him. oh, and he cleans up afterward. extra points.

so last evening we had this lovely dinner which my son refused to eat (no big surprise). finally after some discussion (read screaming 3-year old) we made my son a burrito - he'll eat nearly anything wrapped in a whole wheat burrito shell, so his staple is beans, corn, and salsa burrito when he won't eat what we're having for dinner. and he wanted broccoli with his burrito. yes, broccoli. he loves broccoli. we didn't any more broccoli, so we settled for a raw carrot - a whole one. he bought it from me for $2. that kid would nearly live on vegetables some days if we would let him. we have to limit the carrots or he'd eat only carrots some meals. and then he comes up to me sweetly after dinner and asks for "two spoonfuls i cream. please. two spoonful?" how can i refuse. so we both eat vanilla coconut milk "ice cream" from the container, sharing one spoon. we do indulge.

but my point is that i'm very proud of my family for eating well even when it's not easy. thank you family for participating in mama's crazy ideas of good food.

Wordless Wednesday - sibling love

2009-04-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

putting the wheel in motion

2009-04-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

i have tried and tried to make it work. to be happy with the status quo. to do this because of the benefits it brings to my family. but it i can't be happy then neither can my family. it looks good in theory, but it doesn't work for me. it is time to move on. not a good time to move on. but time to realize that it's time to move on, and put that wheel in motion. so we begin in earnest the search for for the next chapter. here's hoping for a short search.

Monday. Hard to leave for work.

2009-04-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

This morning my son woke my up and said "Mama doesn't have go work today? Mama stay long long time!" in a very exited voice. If anything makes mama want to stay home it's that. But, I had to explain to him that it was Monday and mama has to work on Monday. He wasn't easily convinced. "No. It Satday! Mama no have go work today. Mama stay long long time.". Darn. It's not "Satday". It's Monday. Why did I think this working mama stuff was a good idea. Beats me! That was obviously a pre-kids decision!

Well, we got through the pre-work routine. I held baby and read Curious George visits a fire station (reading upside down mind you) while our son ate breakfast and my husband was able to get bowl of cereal down. I had to read upside down because I have to keep our 8-month old daughter far far away from the book since she has decided that Curious George books are very tasty. She was "fragile" and needed to be held, so her in my lap sitting on floor, twisting around to read book on toddler table, reading book upside down, reminding 3-year old to eat and chew what was in his mouth. Then shower while my husband entertains kids and then get dressed, nurse both children. Get 3-year old out of exersaucer. Remove car key jammed in crevice of exersaucer (actually my husband did that part). Oh, and I had a bowl of cereal somewhere in there. Thank goodness my husband has taken over getting pump parts and my water bottles ready or I'd never have all the right parts to express milk for my baby at work and take empty water bottles! Well, we made it to the near goodbye stage and my son comes over and says "Mama looks Realll pretty taday!" Heart melts. Want to stay home and hug family. Say goodbye and give kisses. Find car keys. Get ready to go out the door. And then my 8-month old starts waving vigorously with a forlorn look on her face. This working mama idea Really was a pre-child idea. It has lost its appeal. Completely. Totally. I have to not think about it all day or I'll be a blubbering idiot. But soon I get to go home and get attacked by my children, both of whom want to nurse immediately. Reconnect with mommy. Hugs. Smiles. Or screams, depending on the day. Unreasonably demands from the toddler. But really and truly, I'd rather be with them all day every day.

Wordless Wednesday - Trying Pear

2009-04-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

We are doing baby led weaning, so we're skipping the purees. Real food is fun. (okay, so I guess I wasn't wordless...)

contemplating black tea

2009-04-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

I avoided caffeine through most of high school and all of college (even graduate school). I even made it though baby #1 without caffeine. Well, actually that's not all completely true. I didn't give up chocolate, so I guess I did have a bit of caffeine.

But, baby #2 has hit me hard. I went from being a red tea drinker to a white tea drinker. Last week I moved up to green tea. And now I'm contemplating black tea!! Oh no, what is happening to me! A dear friend recommended that I just buy a single cup of black tea on the mornings I need it instead of buying a whole box - less temptation to become dependent. This morning I'm thinking the box might be better.

But, I didn't buy the black tea yet, and I've had my Numi Mate Lemon Green for the day (good stuff by the way!), so I'll try overdosing on chocolate chips to try to stay away this afternoon. There is a fine line between eating enough chocolate chips to get me through the sleepies and eating so many that I get a tummy ache. Every day I try to find that optimal amount.

So, what has brought me to the verge of black tea? Well, that would be my little singer and her mommy-hold-me marathons in the middle of the night. I'm all for quality mommy/baby time, but I personally prefer daylight hours for bonding. But I think maybe it's more than just wanting mommy time. Both my husband and I feel that maybe it is time for some changes in our daughters sleep set-up. It's a little complicated so I'll not go into details, but I'm going to be working on transitioning her to sleeping in bed with me and sleeping unswaddled. After talking with my friend, advisor, and currently expert on getting cute little girls to sleep (bet you'd never thought you'd be called a sleep expert did you... ), I am inspired to make some changes. The goal is more sleep, but I have to be prepared for less sleep getting there. *sigh* But, our daughter did spend 20-minutes in bed last night and didn't scream wildy upon waking, which is an improvement. Both my husband and I have been talking to her about how change is okay and it's okay to sleep in bed and lying flat. So, please send sleep in bed vibes and change is okay vibes to my lovely little girl. And patience vibes to mama. And maybe I'll hold off on buying the box of black tea.

Good thing my bag of chocolate chips is empty now, I feel the tummy ache starting.

neat and tidy

2009-04-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

I like things tidy. I don't think I'm a complete neat freak anymore (but ask my husband, he may think differently), but clutter gets to me and I like the house to be relatively clean underneath the clutter. We've been having some trouble keeping up with things since I work full time and we have two small spirited children. So - and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this because it seems like somehow I've failed in my domestic duties - we have hired someone to help with the house cleaning. She same today for the second week, and I'm excited to go home and see the clean house. Last week made such a difference to me. Not only was there no longer a thick layer of dust on my alarm clock, but I was able to relax more this week. I wasn't constantly seeing things and feeling like they were hanging over me. Oh, the window sill is dirty, mentally put that one the list of things to do eventually. The bathroom sink is cruddy - gosh, when will it get cleaned. Etc. Not that I was more of a slob this week, but I didn't feel like the housework was hanging over us and ruining my enjoyment of my time at home. I never imagined that having someone come in to clean would have this effect. I imagined a cleaner house, but I didn't imagine the relief knowing that not only was my house cleaner now, but she is Coming Back, and I don't have to wonder how and when the next batch of cleaning will get done. Wow, great feeling. Now we can focus of energy (or lack there of) on the things that only we can do. Nice.

And last weekend my husband hung up a diaper cabinet above the changing table. Maybe my diaper arrangement isn't quite up to the standards of some who are particularly good at folding, but I thought the colors were pretty. Too bad they are just for pretty now that we've switched to fitteds and wool. :)

Wordless Wednesday - bare toed mechanics

2009-04-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

inside of the nose kisses

2009-04-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

d: right here, mommy, right here!
me: *kiss*
d: right here, on the tip of my nose
me: *kiss*
d: right here (indicating slightly up the nose)
me: *kiss*
d: right here (still on the nose)
me: *kiss*
d: right here (still on the nose)
me: *kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss*
d: right here (Still on nose)
me: I think I got it pretty well covered
d: in me nose
me: ewwww....
d: right here, IN me nose
me: okay, I'll out it on your finger and you can put it there...*kiss* (silent mental "ewwww...I just encouraged my son to stick his finger up his nose").

Things I didn't quite imagine in motherhood.

level

2009-04-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt very level headed lately. I'm guessing it's lack of sleep, confusion about life, and overwhelmed by the world. I admire people who seem level headed most of the time, people like my sister-in-law who seems to have been on a very straight path, and phdinparenting who seem to have the life-work balance much more figured out than I do. I am in awe of the people like my college roommate or Pioneer Woman who seem to be able to accomplish more in a day than I can in a week. I am also a little envious of the people who seem to be happy with anything and everything. Maybe the key word here is "seem". Are they really all that cool and collected and organized and great? I'm sure some of them are. But maybe others just know better than I do how to put up a front that says "I'm A-okay".

Reading Raising Your Spirited Child to help understand our son was also eye opening for me. It made me realise that both my husband and I are also spirited. So I guess it's quite expected that our children don't fall into the laid-back easy-going category. We have come a long way in embracing our son's spiritedness, and I think it is a time for me to once again try to embrace my own spiritedness and the things that come along with it. I'm one of those spirited people who notices and is sensitive to little things that don't bother a lot of people. And sometimes those little things drive me nuts. I tend to let things build up and then I burst open and all the little of things that have been gathering inside me spill out. That happened a bit yesterday - a small tear in my outer shell caused a large spill of emotion concerning little things that had built up. But now the pressure is relieved and I'm better for a while.

This spiritedness also makes me a rather difficult person. I'm not an easy employee. I'm not a low-needs wife. I never want to fit in the box that someone else draws. I'll purposefully draw outside the box, just to be different. Not because I'm trying to be difficult, but I just don't feel like the box was meant for me, and I'm not gonna play in the box if I don't want to. I'll draw my own box (or triangle, or circle, or irregular shape) thank you very much. But then I'll over analyze what I just drew, and probably not be happy with it, and complain until I get a new piece of paper to draw another shape. Oh wait, am I talking about my 3-year old or myself? I didn't think the poor boy was even gonna start drawing because he was too stressed out by it.

One of my big questions of late is "is there a perfect shape for me somewhere, on the perfect paper, drawn with the perfect media, and of the perfect size and color"? Or am I just always going to be slightly unhappy with what I have? Should I just suck it up and deal, or should I try to find the perfect space? Should I strive for perfection or learn to live with imperfection? Can I become more laid back about things or should I embrace what I am. I think the answer is both. I can't change who I am, and the fact is that I am (negative tone here) spirited, sensitive, intense, and perceptive, but I am also (positive tone here) perceptive, energetic (when not exhausted from lack of sleep), and persistent. I need to find a way to embrace what I am and work with it. I don't think I will ever "not notice" the detail, and I'm not sure I can even not be bothered by it. But I do need to find a way to look beyond the little things that drive me nuts and work for a better big picture. A better life, lifestyle, a happier home life, a more supportive home for parents and children, a better life-work balance. These are all things that we can make a little progress on. And the first step is adjusting my attitude. While it's okay to be bothered by things I need to find a way to constructively deal with it in a way that doesn't drag down my family. Anyone else want to join me on my quest for a happier tomorrow?

gardening rambles and brambles

2009-04-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

Last evening we got a bit more garden planted. We wanted to get as much as possible in before the rain today. After a quick dinner we got all bundled up again and went out. I put our daughter on back last night so that I could be a little more useful. She was Very cute all dressed up a in a pink fleece shirt and wool pants riding on my back. She even let me stay still enough to plant seeds. My husband made rows, and I planted another variety of spinach, another batch of kale, and another 50 foot row of (Little Marvel) peas and four shorter rows of (Early Sunglow) corn. I haven't had much luck with corn since we moved to this place, but I'm hoping for better luck this year. Last year I finally got two batches growing nicely, but the raccoons got more corn than we did. I'm planning three types of corn this year, planted in blocks of 3 or 4 relatively closely spaced rows (we normally space rows ~3 feet apart). We did not put in more potatoes last night because my husband wasn't up for more deep row digging.

Gardening with a 3-year old and a 7-month old isn't quite like it was before kids! I have to stay moving enough to keep baby happy in the carrier, and we're constantly trying to keep an eye on the tot. We really want the garden to be fun for him and to have him help, but he does get a little overzealous sometimes. He would rearrange all the row markers if we'd let him - not a big deal except that I'd really like to remember what variety of what I plant where this year, and we really do need to mark where we've already planted. And he wants to recover rows, ready or not. Last evening he had a great time heaving his hoe from over his shoulder and deep into the soil. Fun except we have to be careful to avoid being within range of flying child-sized hoes. It is hard for him to remember that the entire garden is not a big digging hole now. It is easier for him once we get the garden mulched and it is obvious where things are planted and where not to step/dig/jump/stomp/dance/fling/drop/and generally be a 3-year old. He does love the dirt!

Bedtime was a bit late due to gardening, and I finally took a tired (but happy) baby inside to get ready for bed while my husband and son finished covering the last of the corn. After bedtime for the kids I worked on a map of the garden - what I want to put where, and a list of seeds and plants to buy this weekend. I am hoping to get broccoli, onions, kohlrabi, sugar snap peas, and carrots in this weekend. And finish up the potatoes and maybe another batch of corn. I may loose some things from planting early, but our garden has been late the last few years and I'd really like to get it started early this year so we can start enjoying veggies as soon as possible. I will also go ahead and plant cosmos and bachelors button flowers.

After having always been around a garden that was meant to provide for the family year round, it's a bit of an adjustment to garden just for fresh. I feel rather disorganized about gardening since we have had children, but that's okay. As long as we get good things to eat and have fun doing it, that's what matters. My point of comparison is my parents, who for example, plant over 80 tomatoes plants some years and my mom saves and starts her own seed and labels everything. They can and freeze for us now that I don't have time. It's Wonderful, but a lot of work I know. Every day our son has frozen "Grandpa peas" for lunch. Although I miss gardening for year round food (and haven't quite mastered the knack of planting just enough for fresh), I am trying to just relax and enjoy the garden and have fun with it. So what if I have no idea what varieties of things I planted last year and what worked and what didn't. And it's really okay if I can't find my leftover seeds or the cosmos seeds I collected last fall. Seeds are cheap, I'll get more and lose the leftovers again before next year. I Love growing things, and I Love sharing with others. If we have more than we need of some things I'll just give it away (my parents get first dibs though since sometimes something flourish at our house and not at theirs). Last summer when I nine months pregnant and had way too many tomatoes I took a large box to the chiropractor. I took beans and broccoli to "birth circle" and cucumbers to work. I love it when other people enjoy our veggies, too. So, if you're in the area in a few months, come see what we've got extra of. ;)

Oh, enough rambling about gardening. The other order of business today is to show you how cute my daughter is with a barrette in her hair. Awwwww. Isn't she sweet. Can't wait till she has more hair.

And, here's my son with a barrette in his hair. He's sweet, too. ;)

And the last order of business for today is the announcement that my husband, WanderingDad, has started his own blog!! Yay for him!

pretty gardening

2009-03-31T08:42:00.001-07:00

I feel pretty today. At least when I'm not looking in the mirror I feel pretty. I like it when I feel pretty. I washed my hair this morning and used my happy raspberry shampoo. And I'm wearing a deep red shirt - red makes me happy. And I dug out a necklace that was my moms - small earthy beads of red, brown, black, cream. Our son liked the necklace and had to wear it for a while before I was allowed to have it back. So anyway, I may be tired, but at least I don't feel ugly tried today. If I could just get some tone in my belly I'd feel even prettier. But I guess that would require more than wishing and actually getting my act together to do some exercises. Maybe I'll be happy with my mediocre middle for now.

Last evening we did some cold gardening. We got potatoes, peas, spinach, and kale planted. More of each to come, but at least a start. DS was a great helper until we tried to use "his" tent stakes to mark to rows. He eventually recovered when we replaced the tent stakes with pin flags. He did a great job of helping place potatoes, plant peas and spinach, and cover up the rows. Our daughter rode with me and tried to eat the camera strap.

(early norland red potatoes)

(covering potatoes, to be hilled later)

(planting Wando peas)

(more peas, please)

(spinach going in seeds)

(almost bedtime for the baby gardener)

singing the night away

2009-03-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

(our little singer making her brother squeal. She Loves pulling his hair)

Our daughter is a singer. Has been since a very early age. I love to hear her beautiful voice, but I'm not so thrilled to hold a singing baby all night. Much better than crying baby though! Between holding my baby for 3 hours last night and very vivid dreams, I'm not feeling exactly rested today.

My dreams last night involved experiences that many women of the world have, but are way outside the realm of my life. It amazes me that I can have such strong dream emotions, experiencing feelings of a depth that are unknown to my real life - fear, despair, anguish, vulnerability. I think that it may be time for me to take a break from listening to news on the BBC World Service and reading the stories of women in developing countries. I feel good buying from Global Girlfriend in an attempt to help these women, but right now I think reading their stories is more than my subconscious needs. I feel helpless hearing what these women go through and not being able to help in a meaningful way. In looking at ourselves more and trying to be true to who we are, my husband and I have decided to try to do a better job of making our purchases help, not hurt, people and the earth. We don't have the time/energy/money for huge changes, but little things...like trying to buy clothes and products that are certified fair trade. Or handmade here in the US. We were already farther along on this than some, but we can always go a step farther.

Instead of listening to the BBC on the way to work this morning I listened to Sandra Ingerman's "Shamanic Journeying: A Beginners Guide" CD. Don't worry, I'm not journeying and driving, I'm learning and driving. With so little time to read, I think CDs are the way to go for me right now. I also seem more enthusiastic when I'm listening/watching her than trying to read. I'm sure I would get more knowledge from reading her books, but that just isn't happening right now, so this more direct and condensed route is better than nothing. I didn't want to get out of the car when I got to work this morning. Now if I can just fine time to practice what I learn.

a bit of sunshine

2009-03-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

we've had a bit of sunshine this morning, and my husband and son are getting ready to go put up a new clothesline. Yipee. never thought i'd be excited about a clothesline, but after several years without a decent one, i'm very excited. we have a nice big clothes line here, but it was obviously put in about 20 years ago when the trees were small, because now it gets more pine sap and wild cherry tree droppings than sunshine. i'm sure that our son will be delighted at the hole digging and concrete mixing for putting in the new clothesline.

we have had a productive morning. our daughter rode on my back while i worked in the kitchen and got meatloaf ready to go in the oven for lunch. we are having friends over for dinner, so we've been trying to clean up the house, and it will be a big cooking day. the are vegetarian, so it's a good excuse for me to make a big pot of lentil soup and cornbread. yum. i really do love cooking and miss not getting to cook more.

we are still processing from the break in last week. last evening when my husband went shopping was the first time i had been here alone after dark since then. i had trouble going to sleep - i wasn't really scared, but a heightened alertness. i don't feel bad energy or like we're unsafe, but still it's unsettling. and we are trying to decide if this had a larger message for us. is this what we needed to make us realize that it's time to move on from this house? not because we're afraid of another break in, but because it is time? is this what we needed to push us to make a big leap? is that log house or passive solar home on the farm appearing on the horizon now? we don't know the answers yet, but we have both been thinking hard lately.

we have two hold ups on going ahead with our dream of building on the farm. well, maybe 3 or 4.
1) lots of driving for me. we would only do it if i could work from home most of the time, but that's still driving ~1:15 each way twice a week.
2) people, personalities, space. is there room on the farm for all of us. 6 strong personalities on one piece of land? would it work?
3) money. what if this job doesn't work out long term. there are so few jobs near there. we would need decent income to pay for house we want to build
4) hmmmm....can't remember any other issues right now, but i'm Sure there must be some... ;) can you tell i'm biased today? it doesn't help that Sun Plans emailed me last week with new floor plans. There is one that we both like and is large enough we could have a big family (ummmm, or not...) or have friends come to stay.

so, i think we've narrowed it down to: build now, build later, build not at all. build log, build passive solar. build farm house. as you can see, we've almost got it all figured out. ;) maybe we'll just pull in a double wide.

(that's it. don't you see a house where that field of pines is on the hill across from the barn?)

we both wish that we were far enough along on our spiritual learning to ask for hep from our guides, but my attempts at communication have not gotten very far. maybe the time we are spending dreaming should be spent learning to get guidance?

on a different subject - a parenting area that i'm completely lost on....how on earth do you help a spirited 3-year old learn to share? it is so hard to have play dates at our house because our son gets very bent out of shape when another child wants to use his toys. we talk to him about it, but he has very definite ideas about what visitors into his domain should do. we put away his favorite things, but we can't put Everything out of sight. hopefully it will be warm enough this afternoon that the boys can play outside. but if anyone has suggestions or ideas i'd love to hear from you!

my husband just walked past the office window on the way to the garage and returning wearing his yellow hard hat. he indicated that our son (also wearing a hard hat) had required him to go get his hard hat for the construction work. safety first. and as you can see, the three year old likes to be in charge of even the adults. maybe we should refer to him for all life decisions.

tired, teething, testing

2009-03-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

I worked on this post through two baby naps, one unsuccessful nap attempt, and now that the kids are finally asleep maybe I can finally get it done!

Our daughter seems to be working on her first tooth, and boy is she grumpy about it. Crying, fussing, gum grinding grumpy. I didn't make it to the bedroom until 12:30 last night because my husband and I stayed up talking about life, and when I tried to go to bed our daughter woke up. 3.5 hours later I finally got to sleep. 4 hours after that we were all up for the day. So, I'm somewhat incoherent today. I finally gave the squeaker Tylenol at 3am. Then she got to talking and gave herself the hiccups, and that added insult to injury. I finally called in some animal help, and she went into lala land for a few hours. Amazingly the ruckus didn't seem to wake my husband and son sleeping next door.

In other news, since our daughter is 7 months old and loves to eat kleenex we thought maybe she was ready for something with a higher nutritional content. We gave her a large piece of steamed organic broccoli today. She was much more interested in kleenex. Maybe teething is not the best time to have an open minded baby, but I had already bought the broccoli so we thought we'd give it a try. She seemed rather put off by the different feel/texture of steamed broccoli. Really wasn't the least bit interested in eat it and preferred to check out a cup. Oh well. I ate the broccoli (with curried chicken in coconut milk over basmati rice...yum) and she ate the cup.

(my mom's a broccoli pusher)

Our son has also been having a difficult couple of days. Luckily his teeth are all in, but something seems to be going on with him. We're hoping that brain development is taking over his head and not leaving much energy for being reasonable, because he has not been one bit reasonable. How can something be both too big and too small within 1/4 second of each other? Too hot And too cold? Everything is wrong. The world is wrong. Mommy and daddy are most definitely wrong. And he's pretty bent out of shape over it. Last evening I came home to two crying children and a frazzled husband. Luckily I came bearing ice cream and a case of Guinness. I try hard to avoid tandem nursing my children at the same time since it makes me want to scream and run away, so the one who screams the loudest or is least consolable (usually the elder child) gets first dibs. So I sit in the middle of the kitchen floor nursing an irrational 3-year old who tried to interact with the not-very happy 7 month old with his feet while nursing. Somehow I never imagined motherhood like this. No running to hug me and say "I love you mommy! It's good to have you home!". Nope. Just "I want Boob! I want BOOB!". Sometimes I insist on politeness and asking nicely, but this was not the time for that.

So, after I had fulfilled me role as milk bar (and belly button toy), we had to address the issue of dinner. We had planned on chicken, but obviously my husband had not had much of a chance to get dinner going with these two on his hands. I don't mind cooking on Fridays since I get the weekend with the kids, and I'm generally faster at cooking since my comfort level is greater in the kitchen. Plus, cooking is easier that kid wrangler sometimes ;-) . So I pulled off that chicken curry pretty quickly (good I think considering we had to deal with near calamity in the 3-year old's world for much of the time. more holding of both children, and more nursing was required. oh, by the way, I don't think he's ready to wean.). I left some chicken pieces plain since I didn't figure our son was in a mood to be open minded. I gave him a bowl of rice and curry, but it was of course the wrong bowl. Switch to bowl like mama's. No go. Offer plain chicken. No go. Sit at table and cry and pout. I finally offered to let him sit on my lap if he would please be quiet. I did have to keep reminding that if he cried/whined I would put him down. So much for the rule of not sitting on mommy during meals. But evidently it was what he needed, because part way through the meal he slithered off my lap under the table and reappeared at his place and proceeded to eat all his dinner, broccoli, curry, and all. Wow. Following my gut feeling that he really did need me more than usual was a good thing to do. I wish I could do it more often, but it's hard when I only have a few hours at home each day when the kids are awake, and 75% of the time either I'm trying to get ready for work, we're eating, or we're getting kids ready for bed. I feel so bad that I can't give me children more of the emotional support that they need from me. My husband does a wonderful job, but he responds differently to their emotionalness, and they respond differently to him. It makes me ache that I don't have more time for them, but I have to try to focus on the fact that at least one of us can be home.

Today was a little better. The kids nursed a lot and needed a lot of attention, but that's okay. We had some good times and avoided major meltdowns (although life was still hard for the tot).

(he really can smile sweetly)

Well, I had planned to write more and make this post have a meaning, but I'm too exhausted now so I'm going to call it quits. I'm giving tylenol at the next waking tonight!

old barns

2009-03-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

I love old barns. The old barn at my parents' place has seen better days. For several years they tried to salvage it - replaced portions of the roof, rebuilt a corner, etc. But the floor is rotting, the roof is going, high winds are taking a toll. So this summer construction will start on a replacement structure, and sadly, this barn will meet it's end. Last weekend my husband took a few pictures of the barn since it was a pretty day. We both want to capture the barn on film before it's gone. Someday I'll get a walk without kids and take some pictures myself. But here are some very nice ones to start with.

not as planned

2009-03-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday did not go as planned. Not at all. While my husband and the kids were gone someone broke into our house. Forced open a locked door. They didn't take a lot (but enough to make us pretty grumpy), but the fact that someone was in our house and went through our things really bothers us. So, my husband did not get to go to the concert after all. He did not want to leave us alone - and I'm glad that he didn't! It was a good evening for our son to be gone since figuring things out with a 3-year old in the house would have been even more difficult, but he sure would have enjoyed meeting the nice police officer who came to check things out. Today I am tired, a bit sad, confused, annoyed, and trying to figure out what it all means.

a special day

2009-03-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

(a little musician with a maraca)

It is a special day for all of us. This morning my husband took the kids to my parents place, where our son will be spending the night. Our son was So excited this morning when we told him that Grandma and Grandpa had invited him to come spend the night. He has absolutely no problem being without us when he's over there. We become irrelevant when Grandma is around! Our daughter and I will get an evening all to ourselves while my husband goes to a concert. One of our very favorite musicians, Canadian folk singer Garnet Rogers, is going to be a few towns away tonight! We have seen Garnet several times in concert, and he's just wonderful. I would love to go, but I'm just happy that we worked out a way for my husband to go. He's really excited to get to see Garnet again - and to get a night out by himself. I had considered trying to do the evening at home on my own, but we decided that it would be a miracle if I was able to get both kids in asleep before midnight without loosing my sanity. So, sending our son to my parents place is probably the safer way to get my husband an evening to himself.

Garnet Rogers is one of those people I just want to hug and have as my own personal musician. When I was little I was around a fair bit of music, but very different music than my husband was around in his childhood. I was exposed first hand to Appalachian folk music. My mom played the mountain dulcimer (and for a while she too fiddle lessons), and my dad played the guitar - both played just for fun, but we were often around groups of people playing music for fun. We listened to a lot of world music, and some of my favorites were (and still are) Celtic music and Afropop that my dad had recorded off of National Public Radio. I have very fond memories of sitting in the dark (we did not have electricity) with my dad, listening to Afropop on the radio and watching the little lights on the radio move with the music. Even though we did not have a lot of money, my parents took me to concerts in a nearby town where we saw Celtic, Peruvian, Canadian, and other traditional musicians. It was wonderful exposure for a kid! Often I got to talk to the musicians and I remember Garnet Rogers commenting on the maple leaf necklace that I was wearing one time when we saw him in concert. When I was in junior high and high school I still listened to a very eclectic music selection and didn't care for a lot of the music on the radio. I have always felt a strong draw toward traditional and folk music. I like music with a good story, a good beat, heartfelt music, music that makes me move, music that makes me think, music that makes me bounce on my ball, music that touches my soul. When I listen to music while working I prefer international music sung in a different language so that I'm not distracted by listening to the words and instead just hear the voices.

But, I am not a musician. Not at all. I love music. I love good music. I love people sitting around pickin. But I can't do it. I can't sing, I can't hold a beat well, I'm just plain not musical. When I tried to play the clarinet in high school I was sent to the porch and the sheep gathered around. I think they thought I was an animal in distress. So I'll just listen to other people make good music. My husband on the other hand is a musician. Flute. Piano. Guitar. Good ear for music. Can pick up just about any instrument and make nice sounds. But his exposure to music was different than mine. He had been around the more formal music scene, with lessons starting at a very early age, music talent completions, high school concert band, impressive classical pieces, playing at church, music scholarships for college, etc. By the time he reached college he was kind of burnt out with being pushed in music. He chose a different path in college - which I'm glad of since that's how we met. ;) Music is a part of him, but he needed a different type of music.

In the years since we met he has developed a strong interest in folk music. In addition to the piano and flute, he now has a hammered dulcimer, mountain dulcimer, and recently a new guitar. He is enjoying freedom from "performance" pieces and refocusing on letting music be an outlet for himself. But back to Garnet Rogers... My family became huge fans of Stan Rogers when I was little. Stan had such a wonderful voice and his songs tell such poignant stories. I distinctly remember the first time I heard "Tiny Fish for Japan" in the car with my parents. Stan died tragically of smoke inhalation in a airplane fire (on the ground) in 1983 when he was only two years older than I am now. Garnet is Stan's younger brother. Both Stan and Garnet's music really touches me. In college I used to lie on the floor and listen to Stan's "The Field Behind the Plow" (there is a link on this page to listen to the song) before exams. That song put it in perspective for me and helped me to relax and find peace at stressful times. My husband now shares my appreciation for Stan and Garnet's music. It seems that for every stage of our life there is a song by Garnet that speaks for us. So, I am glad that my husband will get to see Garnet in person tonight, and I know that he will want to practice his guitar even more after hearing a great musician speak through his music. Maybe my daughter and I will put on a good CD this evening while we play at home.

(my other little musician playing the dulcimer in Oct 2007)

bounce, bounce, wiggle

2009-03-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Some days I'm full of ideas on what to write and have no time to write. Some days I have no ideas but want to write. This is one of the latter. I feel like just posting another picture and let that do the talking, but that's the easy way out. I can't do wordless every day. It's the end of the week and I'm tired of being in front of a computer all week. It's sunny outside and I want to be outside (from the comfort of my office I can pretend it's not cold and windy and just think about how warm and nice is might be).

Let's see what's on my mind if I just let it go... I like my new exercise ball. It's shiny and new. And actually clear instead of scratched and kind of clearish in a past life. It's fun to sit on a shiny new ball. I started sitting on an exercise ball instead of a chair about 7 years ago. Wow, that's a long time! I have chronic back problems and it got so bad that there were times when I physically could not walk. I thought that my useful life might be over. I didn't know if I would ever be able to have kids, etc. I felt terrible that my husband had married me and ended up getting more than he bargained for. I didn't know if I would ever be the active girl I used to be. I went to lots of doctors and they did lots of tests. Major back surgery was recommended. Major, major! But we opted not do that, and I went into physical therapy for 10 months. My physical therapist was not a traditional American physical therapist -she was from the Czech Republic and did some muscle work and some alternative things. She recommended that instead of injections or major surgery I sit on an exercise ball, and low and behold the $30 fix worked very well! Thank you Radka! It wasn't a complete fix, but between the ball and exercises and PT, life gradually returned to "normal". I still was not able to sit on chairs, and ended up standing through my classes for the last few months. I toted a huge bright yellow ball around campus for a few weeks and got the strangest looks. But my large yellow ball seemed to make people happy. They smiled at me. Probably thought I was completely loony, but they smiled. I eventually discovered the Opit-ball clear balls and got several so that I could have one at the kitchen table, one in the office, one in the computer lab, etc. And I chose to change my lifestyle from a sedentary graduate student to doing a large amount of strenuous field work. What I needed was to rebuild the muscle that I had lost during college and graduate school (I was very active and helped on the farm in high school, and we think that's part of what kept things from getting too bad previously). So off to the woods I went, and I felt great. Then I finished my degree and had to go get a real job. That meant more office work. I held up well through two pregnancies, but the desk job takes it's toll. At my best time in the last 7 years I could sit for about half an hour in a chair without the pain taking over my brain. Now some days I am in constant pain again, chair or no chair. There were a few years there where I didn't have pain every day, and that was great! Now it's in the back of my mind most of the time again. But at least I know that it's not doing to completely debilitate me (at least not any time soon) and that if I can just find a way to sit less and exercise more things will get better again. I don't immediately see how to do that, but the pain it's as scary to me as it used to be.

So a little bit more about the ball. Evidently sitting on an exercise ball redistributes the pressure on the disks of your spine and so can reduce pain in some people that way. It is also an active sitting - you bounce, sway, wiggle, etc. That keeps things loosened up and builds muscle. I'm not an expert in all this, but it works for me and I've seen it work for other people. It's also very handy to have a ball around for bouncing babies to make them happy/sleep, etc.

So, here I sit on my shiny new ball. I got a new one so that I don't have to keep taking my ball room to room. Oh, and if you're planning to sit on a ball full time, I recommend buying a good quality one. The cheap ones tend to make your bum go numb more quickly in my experience.

A Quick Hug

2009-03-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday - just like daddy

2009-03-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

waiting for the garden to dry

2009-03-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

We are anxiously waiting for the garden to dry so that it can be plowed. Last year we missed the first dry stretch and then got a late start on the gardening because it took a while to get dry enough to plow. This year we plan to catch it early!

Large gardens have always been a part of my life. When I was little we had two gardens. We did not have electricity, so my parents canned everything. Beans and corn are great cannned, peas not so good. ;) When my husband and I got married we bought a small house with a yard and grew our first garden together. That was my first experience gardening on my own (although I can't really call it "on my own" since I still called my parents frequently). We had a good crop of beans and carrots, but the squirrels got most of the corn. That's about all that I remember of the first garden. I remember it being relatively large, but looking back at the pictures it looks so small.

After a few years we moved to my home state and had a larger house, larger yard, and larger garden.

The first year at the new place we moved in May and got a late start on gardening that year, too. By the time that we moved "Crazy Harry's Greenhouse" was having a supper sale on plants, and soon all vegetable plants were free...do I remember that correctly?! Anyway, I ended up with something like 30 broccoli plants and Way to many peppers and tomatoes. So we made and canned salsa like crazy that year, and I froze broccoli until we were sick of the smell of blanched broccoli. My Ball Blue Book book was getting a good workout. We had to buy a second deep freezer for all the plunder, and we filled the cellar with rows of canned goods. We grew exciting things like yard long beans and the neighbor girls had fun helping me in the garden and sharing veggies.

Then came a summer when we moved 3 times. I didn't garden that year, but instead focused on my house plants. The following summer we moved again and so another no-garden summer. And repeat the following summer (oh, and we had a baby by then). Oh my, three summers with no garden! During those years my parents kindly provided us with as much fresh and frozen garden produce as they could, and we also started discovering farmers markets.

In the summer of 2007 we were finally back at a place (location, and place in our lives) where we could garden again. Oh how nice it was. And our son discovered gardens. He was a very late eater, and that summer he ate nearly all his vegetables directly from the garden. He would stop playing and run the the garden for a snack. He loved peas, beans, carrots, broccoli, and corn straight from the garden. We don't use any chemicals on our garden, and we allow him to graze freely. He even discovered squash flowers and baby squash were quite edible. He liked to help us dig potatoes and then help wash them in a big stainless steel bowl in the yard and then eat them an hour later as baked french fries.

Last year we enlarged our garden, and my 95 year old grandma and I (due with our second child in August) joined the ranks of "those who should not be gardening but are too stubborn not too". I claimed it was for our son, but really it was for all of us, especially me. Even when working an office job was too hard on my very pregnant body, gardening felt good. Again, our son grazed through the garden and we ate lots of fresh vegetables. The squash beetles discovered our garden and swarmed over our squash, melons, pumpkins, and watermelons, but we got to eat a few squash and melons before the plants succumbed to the invasion.

So what will this year's gardening be like? My husband has been talking about the garden already, and it's very exciting to me that he's excited about it this year. He helps in the garden a lot, but it has always really been my thing. It will be fun to see our son enjoy the garden and be even more involved this year. And will our daughter learn to walk in the garden? Quite possibly. I imagine that she'll be crawling about the time we plant, and I'm sure that she will eat way more dirt than many babies.

Last year our son helped plant. I gave him beans, peas, and corn seeds and he planted them with me. I usually had to go back and redistribute, but he really did quite well. And he was very good at helping to pat down the row after the seeds had been sown. He was excited to see the plants come up and begin to produce edibles. As each batch of green beans got past the point of being yummy as green beans we shelled them out and he planted those seeds again. Last year's garden had two digging holes, one at the back and one at the front later in the summer. This year I think we will specifically plan for digging holes since they were where he spend hours and hours.

So, what will we plant this year? We will sit out a year on the squash and melons because of the squash beetle invasion, but we will probably have spinach, lettuce, kohlrabi, carrots, peas, green beans, corn, red potatoes, white potatoes, sweet potatoes, peppers, broccoli, basil, parsley, radishes, tomatoes, and onions (several varieties of many of those things). Maybe if there is room maybe I'll add some lima beans and kale this year. I'll miss the squash, melons, pumpkins, and gourds, but I'd rather not use chemicals to control the beetles. :(

So, any suggestions on what else we should try this year? I am not attempting to can or freeze this year since I would rather focus my time on the kids. We give away the extras and enjoy sharing our produce with those who don't have such wonderful abundance of fresh veggies. We especially enjoy sharing our garden with visiting children and their families. One of our son's little friends is still talking about digging potatoes with us last fall. I love to share my excitement for gardening with others, and I'd love to help others give gardening a try. If anyone reading this wants to give it a go, I'd be glad to lend a hand in any way I can. ;)

everything but chocolate

2009-03-16T11:17:00.001-07:00

i'm out of chocolate

got cashew butter
almonds
crackers
oatmeal
soup
V8

fruit leather
dried apples
dried plantains
a real apple

red tea
white tea
chamomile tea

vitamins
zylitol gum

even have rice cakes. but no chocolate. and i already went to the grocery store.

what I like about the new office and our weekend

2009-03-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

(how I felt a lot of this weekend)

I tired all weekend to write a post and got several composed, but I felt that they were all too glum to post so I left them out. We had a bit of "down" weekend with little sleep and gloomy weather.

Here are some notes from the yesterday...
I often wonder what it must be like to have children who sleep easily, long, and soundly. I'm sure I'll probably never know. It's nap time now, and my son and husband are asleep. I tried to nap our daughter - swaddled, nursed, and bounced, but she just sang to me. So how she's chasing toys on the floor while I type. I go over the retrieve toys that have rolled out of reach and she looks quizzically at my reading glasses. What's wrong with mama's eyes she seems to think. This morning began early - at 4:45 am for me. Our daughter was up for good by 6:00. My dear husband let me sleep for an hour, and then we bundled both kids into the van and headed to town for the first nap of the day. Neither my husband nor I wanted to be trapped inside with these kids today. Our daughter got a half hour nap before the combination of stop sign and 3-year old brother woke her. We went to the book fair and came home after changing a poopy diaper and nursing both children in the back of the van (our son wanted to stand in the rain and screamed at the idea of getting back in the van, so I offered a warm boob and that quieted him). Ten minutes from home our daughter feel asleep again. Argh. So I sat in the van for 20 minutes watching the cold raindrops collect and run down the window while she napped. But, I guess that half hour nap two hours ago ruined the usual afternoon nap. And all subsequent organization for the day. I guess it's probably obvious that my mood is about as grey and dismal as the weather this weekend. I used my yummy smelling raspberry shampoo yesterday afternoon when i got a shower - in hopes that the yumminess would perk me up, but it didn't work particularly well. I did manage to clean off (I mean clean, as in completely clean) off about 6 linear feet of kitchen counter last evening. I think that's going to be my big achievement for the weekend.

bouncing.....blank stares.....heavy eyes....going....going....gone! whew, that was hard work.... finally she gave in to sleep.

So, that's pretty much how our weekend went.

Today I'm back at work and trying to force myself to be positive. So, I thought I'd share a few things that I like about the new office....not that anyone really cares. I like it that my office door has a window. This weekend my husband installed a blind on the window so that I could take down the multi-colored tissue paper that I had covering the window. Now that I have a blind that I can pull down when I'm pumping and up when I'm not, I can close my door and listen to music without headphones. That's really nice. I have always tried to keep my door open in the past because the others in my office assume that when my door was closed I was pumping and wouldn't knock if they needed me. Now I can shut out the "world" and focus with my door closed but still be obviously available. I like that. I like listening to music without headphones while I work. I'm not a fan of headphones. They are good for listening to BBC Wold Service documentaries (another way to pass the time while I do mundane tasks), but I like music not directly funneled into my ears when possible.

I also like it that my desk is positioned so that people can't sneak up on me. I hated having my back to the door because I was always nervous that someone would "sneak in" and talk to me. I don't like surprises while I'm working. But now I feel that I can relax. The hardwood floors also help since I can hear when someone's walking around.

I like it that we have a somewhat real kitchen. Cabinets, a real sink, full size fridge, etc. Our "kitchen" at the last place was a tiny fridge and a utility closet with utility sink. In fact, now I can go do my grocery shopping in the middle of the day and put things in the fridge so that I don't have to face the grocery store after work when everyone is doing the same thing.

I like it that I'm on the second floor so I can pump with my window open. Yes, I'm not closing my outside window blind when I pump!! I got used to it the first few days in the new office when didn't have window blinds yet, and I've decided that I'm just not going to close the blind! There are no other building close by, and if someone going through the bank drive-thru really wants to look up this way and at my particular window and wonder what's going on, then so be it. But really, I don't think they could see anything. If I put my eyes down a boob level all I can see if the bank roof and and the road ~100 yards away. And with my pump between me and the window that view is probably blocked even more. So, maybe I'm nuts (the usually modest me who seldom even shows much of her collar bone, but I like light and I like my window.

I like it that the only things in my office are my things and that I'll actually get to decorate an office. In the old office the file cabinets in my office and the other computers were "public" so people were always coming in and out (leading to my paranoia of being "snuck up on"). So now I have to pick a rug for my office and find something for the walls. Fun.

And, big one, I like it that my family can stop by without feeling like it's imposing too too much on anyone. Granted, the little footsteps running down the hall to mama's office are a little obvious, but it's not quite as disruptive as before. Oh, and our son has to run to the kitchen each time he's here and get a plastic knife, fork, and spoon. He's gotta have em. Bad placement for those items, but I'll collect them in my office (when he doesn't take them home with him) and use the grubby ones myself when I don't feel like washing my silverware.

So, what else do I like about this office....I like it that the bathroom vent fan doesn't sound like it's going to suck me out the ceiling or give me hearing damage. Okay. I'm stretching it here...but really, it's a lot better.

Well, I think I'll go do that middle of the day grocery shopping now and grab a bite to eat since we didn't have leftovers for me to bring today.

need for change

2009-03-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

(three generations of hands)

my body doesn't like office work. not one bit. i have been having a lot pain in the index finger of my right hand, and it dawned on me yesterday that it was from my mouse. a year or so ago i got a good mouse so that my wrist wouldn't hurt. but now it's my finger. maybe i'm just not meant to sit at a computer all day? i have chronic back problems and so i have tried to avoid sitting and office jobs, but 2.5 years ago i came here and have been sitting every since. with the return to work from maternity leave (i was not working full time for ~6 months), i have really noticed my body getting painful again. i felt great when i wasn't working full time. maybe it's a sign that i need to seriously consider getting off my ball and into a job that's not just sitting and computer work. if only i could figure out how. but probably i'll just have to go lefty mouse for a while.

tired mama

2009-03-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

(my sweeties)

We seem to produce children that require large amounts of parental assistance to get adequate sleep. This week has been rough. I'm not sure if our daughter is teething, bothered by the cheese I ate last weekend (I've been dairy free for 3 years because our son was allergic to dairy), full moon, or none of the above. Bedtimes have taken two hours and involved crying for no apparent reason, wakings are frequent, mornings early, and naps short and light. And at the same time our son has decided that even though daddy usually does bedtime with him he now needs mama to come in and do the final goodnight kisses. Last night when I finally was able to put our daughter down for more than 2 seconds I went to the office and saw that our son was still awake - glowing eyes on the monitor. I went in to talk to him and he said "me have to wait long long time for mama". Poor boy. I had talked to him about how I might not be able to come tuck him in every night and how he and daddy could write me a goodnight note, but evidently that wasn't adequate. It's frustrating, but at the same time he's so sweet that I can't be grumpy with him at all. So I nursed him, snuggled, gave him "blooper kisses", real kisses, tucked his grandma made construction blanket around him and mama bear, and left him happy and snug. Several hours later when my husband went in to go to bed and moved our son to the other side of the bed, our son said "mama came in gave me blooper kisses tucked me in" and he immediately went back to sleep - or maybe he didn't wake up fully. Anyway, the fact that that was on the top of his head meant a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really need me these days since daddy can to bedtime and I'm away at work all day and seldom get time to slow down and focus on our son. But the little things he does show that I am still so important to him. And that makes me both happy and sad. So sad that I am not able to give him more of myself.

Wordless Wednesday - Cat in a cupboard

2009-03-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

a journey ahead

2009-03-10T14:28:00.001-07:00

(~10 years ago)

My husband and I have started a journey. We are trying to recognize that it may be a long journey and that we need to enjoy the process, not just long for the destination (which is currently hidden from sight). As impatient, spirited, practical, engineering types, this "enjoying the journey" is going to be a big step for us. The first step is to uncover the path. I'm afraid that in the last few years we have neglected trail maintenance, and the true path meant for us has become rather obscured. For various reasons, including adjusting to parenting our spirited children and supporting our family, we have not always been true to ourselves and have often followed a cushiest path of least resistance. But we are now considering leaving the paved road (well, I guess maybe we left mainstream a long time ago considering that we are a homebirthing, clothing diapering, babywearing, tandem nursing family - so maybe now we're talking of leaving the gravel road for the muddy trail).

So, how do you find yourself when you're 30+, have two small children, and are either working full time (me) or home all day with said children (my husband). We are not sure of the answer to this, but recently we have been introduced to the spiritual practice of shamanism, and we both feel that this has much to offer us. So, yesterday I ordered several books and CDs in the hopes that we can continue where our teacher left when she had to go on an unexpected sabbatical.

In embracing our spiritual side my husband and I are also finding ourselves closer to each other. We have opened channels of communication that we have neglected and have found peace in talking for long hours (even if that means less sleep than we are already getting). A few nights ago our son spent the night with my parents (for the 3rd time ever) and we stayed up late talking. And then, listen to this ladies and gents, my husband went off to clean the bathroom at 11 o'clock at night. What on earth has gotten into him. ;) Evidently our journey will have clean pit stops.

today I am sad

2009-03-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

Today I am sad. Mourning a loss. And hoping that the loss will result in greater gain for the other parties involved. I feel like a thread connecting me to another like minded soul was suddenly severed. It is not a decision that either of us would have chosen willingly I believe. But change must happen. I know that to hang on is selfish and that I must just hope that the new freedom will allow the other to develop more fully without expending energy in my direction. But I also am giving myself space to grieve. It is not often that I find kindred spirits in this world. But, sadly, we must each go our own way, and I can only hope that time and life will bring us back together in this life or another. Preferably this one. I hope that our spirits can continue to share a connection and gain strength from each other in times of need.

random tidbits and one reason I'm lucky.

2009-03-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried to nurse a baby to sleep while you have the hiccups? It doesn't work terrible well. Each time my bosom would bounce with a hiccup she would look at me inquiringly. But my hiccups finally subsided and she finally gave in to sleep. So I'm here for a few minutes to try to put down a few thoughts. I am extremely tired today after getting very little sleep last night, so I'm not sure how much of this will be coherent.

A few weeks ago I thought my son might be going down the weaning road faster than I anticipated, but this weekend showed that he's still pretty attached to the boob - literally. I found this post by Pioneer woman to be very relevant this weekend.

I can't imagine what it will be like when I have two toddlers! Oh my! But I'll discuss tandem nursing another time I think.

I have been inconsistent about what I call my family members in this blog. I can't decide how to refer to them. I started with "code names", but that just didn't quite seem to fit as well for me as it does for some. Then I switched to initials, but that got confusing. I guess I should look around and see what others do on their blogs....hmmm....i'm seeing a little of everything. So, maybe I'll skirt the issue for now by just refering to them as my husband, my son, and my daughter. Fancy that.

I feel lucky. I feel lucky that we live in a place where our son can roam a bit. This evening when we got home from the day's adventures our son said he was going to go shovel snow. My husband helped him into his coat and hat in the van, our son grabbed a shovel from the garage, and he was off. He loves to stay outside when we get home from somewhere. We are fortunate enough to live on several acres in rural area. Our yard is surrounded by a natural barrier of white pine trees and then a dilapidated woven wire fence between us and the road on two sides and the neighbor on another side. My handy husband has built several play houses for our son (and I think secretly for my husband, too), and our son is relatively free to wander as he pleases. He checks in occasionally coming into the garage and in the kitchen door, banging on the sliding glass door, talking to me at the above-the-sink kitchen window, or waving from the playhouse window. My husband was in and out to unpack the van and help our son when his shovel got stuck in the snow/grass (our son comes and announces "I got into trouble" when he needs help), but we are able to let him be pretty independent. I grew up like that (probably even more so) and it seems natural to me, but I know that many 3-year olds do not have that opportunity - to be on their own for a few minutes in a safe, quiet, roamable place. In the summer our son runs straight from the driveway to the garden, where he had a large digging hole. We are all looking forward to defrosting the garden again.

(pregnant mama and one of the digging holes)

Now, was that way or referring to them too cumbersome? Be honest now....was it?

Before I go I want to add that a friend me a huge service this morning by helping to tidy up my spirit(ual?) world. I'm still processing and haven't figured out how to talk about what's going on, but I think this is one more step in the right direction.

peace

2009-02-27T07:31:00.000-08:00

I feel freer. More peaceful. I still have a long way to go, but I feel that I am on the right track. A dear friend helped me yesterday (more about that later hopefully), but I feel that change is in the air. Last evening I went home to my family and it was relatively warm so we stayed outside until dark. Then after the kids were in bed my husband and I stayed up talking until after midnight. I'm exhausted today, but good things are moving.